Friday, September 21, 2018

Night of the Death Cult (A.K.A. Night of the Seagulls) (1975) 1h 29m

Coming from another horror film 10-pack, but not the same 10-pack, we have Night of the Death Cult!  A film that is actually known as Night of the Seagulls but I'm told was something else.  Not only that, this is apparently an over watched VHS tape rip that is poorly overdubbed!  Yes! Get Into it!  Get into this fucking mess!

Night of the Death Cult is the final part of the Blind Dead series.  I don't know what the hell this series is but if all of these films are similar then they're bat shit crazy.  A cult of Knights Templar have been killing women and feeding the hearts of the victims to a strange frog statue.  In present day a village sacrifices seven women for seven days once a year.  The skeletal ghouls of the Knights Templar come and take the girls to continue their ritual.  A new doctor comes with his wife and the villagers treat them like shit until the secret comes to surface!  Oh, and the spirits of the sacrificed women turn into seagulls.  That's the seagull part.

Once the credits started I only had one reaction...

Honestly, this version of the film is terrible quality, but there wasn't much quality here to begin with.  I don't know if I need to watch the other films or if this is a stand-alone.  I still feel like the plot made very little sense.  Why were the Templars skeleton men that still need lady hearts?  Why did the village know of this?  Fire kills the skeletons but they can ride horses without a problem?  Why does that grocery store just have a basket of fruit and paper bags?!  FUCKING SEAGULLS?!

Don't watch this.  It's shit.  Fuck this shit!  FUCK IT SO FUCKING HARD IN ITS SHITTY VHS RIPPED BUTTHOLE!

I give Night of the Death Cult (a.k.a. Night of the Seagulls) 0 seagull dogs out of 5:

Thursday, September 20, 2018

Resident Evil: Damnation (2012) 1h 40m

The fact that I love Resident Evil is the worst kept secret on this website.  I reviewed Resident Evil: The Final Chapter when it was out in theatres and talked about Resident Evil 7: Biohazard as soon as I finished the game upon release.  So when it comes to the CG films that they've put out, you better believe I own them, or at least most of them.  I didn't realize that there was a Japanese one that counts as the first one and I haven't picked up the one that came out last year.  The latter isn't in my collection because Sony and Capcom are bad at subtitling these films so you don't know which one you own.  This one has been sitting on my shelf since last Christmas.

Did somebody say "Las Plagas?"
Resident Evil: Damnation takes place after Resident Evil 4 (still the best game in the series).  Leon is sent into an area of the former Soviet Union on reports that rebels gained access to B.O.W.s (Bio Organic Weapons).  At the very start he is told to pull out but instead continues on in search of Las Plagas and the people using them.  He ends up working with freedom fighters that have learned to control Lickers with the help of Las Plagas, at the risk of their own lives and sanity.  Ada Wong is here being badass as usual and working with the government in order to gain access to a sample for a secret client.

Okay, I'm getting my biggest complaint out of the way first and it isn't even with this film, it's with the disc itself.  I had to skip through a commercial for Sony and five previews of I don't even care what before the blu-ray would even let me access the menu.  That's bullshit!  I gave you money and all you're doing is wasting your time and mine!  Cocknose.

Is that a B.O.W. in your pants?
I have no complaints with Resident Evil: Damnation.  They have Leon's Resident Evil 6 voice actor (who pretty much sounds like the original voice actor from the prior CG film and RE4).  They do small nods to things like having Leon yell "Come On" exactly as he does in the games.  It also does good fan service without going overboard.

I think that since this was a Las Plagas focused film they were smart to have this change up with the Lickers and a greater focus on Ada's doings.  The early games were never really about trying to kill everything and they kept that focus in check.

Speaking of Ada, she has the hypest fight scene in the film!  Sure, it's essentially an animated film but the entire time I was enraptured by it.  It's John Wick levels of rad hand-to-hand combat.  Also, bringing in multiple Mr. X for Leon's final fight was a definite pop for me.

Overall, I really liked RE: Damnation.  Aside from a bit of slowdown it was a solid film.

I give Resident Evil: Damnation 4 Umbrella logos out of 5:

Wednesday, September 19, 2018

My Sucky Teen Romance (2011) 1h 17m

I picked this DVD up from a used store not long after it was released.  That should've been my first warning.  The second warning should've been that I got it for something like $3.  Think of that scene in the first Wayne's World movie where The Shitty Beatles are playing and Wayne asks "are they any good" and we get the reply of "Oh, they suck!" and the joke rounds out with Wayne saying "Then it's not just a clever name." My Sucky Teen it any good?

Welcome to Spacecon!
We start in the 1950's where we see an obvious vampire greaser who looks like Edward from Twilight if he was an extra in Grease.  We then flash forward to present day where a comic nerd is talking about how great Spacecon is going to be while his coworker finds him lame.  A fellow nerdy girl has a moment with him, but shortly after she leaves our Edward wannabe comes in to fuck up robbing the store.  We are then introduced to the rest of our crew and they all go to Spacecon... where there are very few people actually dressed for anything space related.  In fact, this "convention" looks like what I picture when I think of that Dashcon debacle.  The cashier from the supermarket was turned into a vampire and he accidentally bites the check-out love connection.  The rest of the film is them trying to prevent themselves from turning into full blown vampires by hunting down Greaseball Lightning.

I just heavy sighed before I started typing here so that's an idea of what's about to come.  This film is equal parts good and bad.  For an independent horror-comedy the actors and cinematography actually pull through pretty well.  On the flip side, the script and set design feels unnatural in a way that makes you think that there is some sort of continuous inside joke that you're just not privy to.  It's so self-deprecating to geek and fandom culture that rather than laughing along with the film My Sucky Teen Romance just does that awkward laugh to itself when none of the jokes really hit.

That said, there are two parts I did like.  One is when our two main female characters go to the "teen" room and it's supposed to be cool and instead they open the door to a room of awkward people and one girl just yells "LOOK! MORE TEENAGERS!"  The other is at the vampire panel (which, if you do watch this DVD, watch the deleted scene from this because its adlib is much better than most of this scene) where the obvious Twilight fangirl asks if vampires were real would a centuries old vampire fall in love with a teenage girl and they could live happily ever after and the main panelist just replies with "That's fucking gross!"

Speaking of this scene, I don't know why I never made this connection before, but almost all vampires are pedophiles (or ephebophiles if you want to get technical) as they are usually dozens if not hundreds of years old.  Just because you look 17 forever does not mean you are 17.  You're 800 and trying to pick up some 16 year old.  That's fucking gross!  See!  Now I said it too!  That makes it true!

Back to My Sucky Teen Romance... it was okay, but I must say that it's not just a clever name.

I give My Sucky Teen Romance 1 lame vampire out of 5:

Tuesday, September 18, 2018

Dead Men Walk (1943) 1h 4m

I chose today's film based solely on the fact that it is just over an hour and because I'm coming down with something and feel like death myself.  The disc itself is from a cheap 10-film pack which is supposed to be zombie themed movies but for a $5 set I doubt anyone was quality checking the content specificity with these choices.  That said, let's dig into today's film!

Less vampire, more sadpire.
Dead Men Walk features George Zucco playing the roles of both Dr. Lloyd Clayton and Dr. Elwyn Clayton.  Llody is a man of science and a medical doctor while Elwyn studies the occult and, by the description on the box, is a wizard.  We open at Elwyn's funeral when it is interrupted by our Deus Ex Kate.  I don't know how she knows what she knows, but she knows way too much.  Elwyn's body is collected by his servant and Elwyn rises from the grave.  He then visits his brother and tells him he is going to wreck his life.  The rest of this film is pretty much Dracula except that Elwyn is targeting his niece and Lloyd has to be the doctor and Van Helsing.

I really liked Dead Men Walk.  I thought it was going to be a very 40's matinee film but it was fun to watch.  The pacing is really weird as they squeezed a lot into such a short time.  It's essentially death, but I'm alive, Gayle is to be married, now she's sick, a vampire?! etc. etc.

What I appreciated the most with this film was the dialog.  It felt like someone reading literature to you.  It began and end with semi-poetic verse and there wasn't much in the way of filler, just advancing the story.  I think that my biggest complaint with Dead Men Walk would be that there are no roads.  It's constantly people running through the woods, in the dark, to get to their location.  Elwyn I can write off as he is a vampire, but everyone else must have cat eyes or something.

I give Dead Men Walk 3 copies of Chuck Tingle's Vampire Night Bus Pounds My Butt out of 5:

Monday, September 17, 2018

Blades (1989) 1h 41m

When I opened the case for this DVD the receipt from 2007 was still inside.  This is just letting you know how long this disc has been sitting on my shelf, unwatched.  Part of a Troma Triple Pack, with two other films that I honestly can't remember or be bothered to get off the couch to check, I chose today's film because it takes place on a golf course.  I expected the worst and was given something that transcends horrible and is ranked among the greatest tortures from Hell.

Blades takes place on some low-class course where Roy begins his new job as the course pro.  Kelly spends most of her time making awkward and confused faces all while hating that Roy took the job that was promised to her.  The course is being prepared for the upcoming televised pro-am tournament but chopped up corpses are found littered around the greens.  Investigation leads us to a sentient lawn mower with balloons tied to the back.  It belonged to the dead father of the greens keeper.  Roy ends up defeating it with the power of golf.  This movie defeated me by stealing all joy from my life.

I fell asleep with 10 minutes left and hated that when I woke up I had to go back and watch the ending of this.  Blades is like someone watched Caddyshack and thought "I can make a horror version of this," but they lacked the humor, charm, and talent.  The only thing I really found interesting was the actor that, in the right light, looked like Kurt Angle.  Not Kurt Angle now, but Kurt Angle if his life choices sent him in a terrible Coors Light life spiral instead of him winning an Olympic medal.  Let me tell you, it doesn't turn out well for alternative universe Kurt.

Fucking golf course horror movie... fuck this shit!

I give Blades  0 John Deere tractors out of 5:

Friday, September 14, 2018

Chopping Mall (1985) 1h 17m

It's that time again where I face a film that, as a kid, I used to see the VHS box on the rental shelf at the local Phar-Mor and it would freak me out.  I think it was just the cartoonesq bulging eye at the top.  I also used to be freaked out by The Howling cover but to this day I'm not sure why.  At least Chopping Mall has a bag full of body parts being held by Dr. Claw.

So, who put what where?
Remember when shopping malls used to have a million floors?  Chopping Mall remembers.  In an attempt to bring in state-of-the-art security, this mall buys three robots that are a mix of Alpha from Power Rangers and Johnny 5 from Short Circuit.  In the informative video we are shown, the robots work by slowly following a perp until they're shot with a taser and probably killed.  If you show an ID badge though then the robot will leave you alone.  When a group of twenty somethings decide to stay after work and party/fuck on the display beds and couches of their department store, they end up running afoul of our security bots.  Slow chases and laser beams ensue.

These bots are trash as fuck but also built like tanks!  They all have these spindly grabber arms that go up like they're raising the roof right before they try to kill someone.  Fire, most explosions, and bullets that hit anywhere that isn't their visor will do nothing to them.  Then we have Suzy (Barbara Crampton) and her awkward death where a robot shoots her in the leg and it apparently renders her unable to craw or roll while the bot shoots over top of her.  I thought the thing could only shoot straight ahead until it aims at a gas can next to Suzy and lights her up.  Let me tell you, she can get up and run just fine after that.

The heroes this mall needs!
You know what?  Fuck the cover of this movie!  There isn't a single rad metal robot fist or bag of body parts in the whole thing!  Well, maybe after that girl's head exploded some bits went in a bag, but these robots had lame pincer hands!  I want the batter robot from the NES game Base Wars to be the security guard!  Someone make a time machine and fix this movie to fit my desires!!

Chopping Mall is horribly dated and such a goofy premise, but in its own way it was fun.  I'm not saying it's worth going to see at some midnight showing or anything, but if you want to have a bad 80's movie night then this is the kind of thing you might consider.  

I give Chopping Mall 2 Bride of Pinbot backglass images out of 5:

Thursday, September 13, 2018

Class of 1999 (1990) 1h 39m

To the best of my knowledge, when I graduated high school in 1999 no one was in punk gangs and none of my teachers were murderous war robots.  My principal was also not Malcolm McDowell.  If he was then I would've been bugging him all the time to tell me about being in the Tank Girl movie.

Banana in the front, party in the rear.
Class of 1999, despite coming out in 1990, explains that in 1992 youth crime became such a big issue that by 1997 all major cities had schools that were basically just gang territories.  The gangs all dress punk as fuck, wear spandex pants, and may be too into Rufio from Hook.  Cody is released from prison just in time to return to his school where there are going to be three new robot teachers stepping in to help control the chaos.  Wanting nothing to do with his old gang life, Cody tries to keep his head down until he sees the gym robot murder a kid.  After that another robot murders his friend.  It's then that these robots begin to go AWOL and attempt to hunt down and kill Cody since he discovers their secret.

This film is a dystopian cluster fuck.  It's like 1983's Suburbia and Terminator 2 drunkenly jerked each other off in a bar bathroom and this was the product of their combined shame seed.  This film is the equivalent of what old men in the 80's mentally saw when they viewed slightly unsavory youths walk by their house.  Then that man would have some sort of wet dream about being a robot and spanking them in class while making eye contact with the other students... because that's a thing that happens in this movie.  There is also some sort of punishment the robots can do named "rap knuckles" which I really just wanted to be something hip-hop related, but then realized it meant to nun wack their hand.  I'm stealing Rap Knuckles though.  That's gonna be the new mixed tape fire I bring!

I give Class of 1999 1 preschool graduation image I grabbed off of Google out of 5: