Thursday, April 28, 2016

Day 30: Buck Wild (2014) 1h 36min

First, let me say that since this is day 30 that this is the last film for this run.  I'm going to do one recap post and then take 30 days of nights back to myself.  So episode two of 30 Days of Plight will start in June 2016! GET HYPED!  Then stay hyped for a month!

I love zombie movies.  The problem with zombie movies though is that they suddenly blew the fuck up and now every chucklefuck makes a zombie movie.  Although at this point, I think we're out of monsters.  vampires hand their time, zombies won't die (pun actually intended), mummies are all pissed because their tomb or treasure was messed with, there can be only one Frankenstein's monster, aliens, Lovecraft, giant monsters, all being done to fucking death and not in super creative ways.

Tangent aside, Buck Wild is your typical horror-comedy redneck zombie movie, although they did jazz up some of the characters.  Mainly one that is supposed to be from New York, have a fuck ton of guns, and practices martial arts naked.  The other main characters are the deceitful best friend who has been sleeping with nice guy's girlfriend of six years, and a guy that just looks like Daniel Radcliffe's portrayal of Allen Ginsberg from Kill Your Darlings.  Although I would much rather see Daniel Radcliffe shirtless... what? Who said that?  Look over there!

The one great creative thing they did was at one point a plate of weed brownies were smashed in a zombie's face and after he ingested some he kind of became a regular stoner.  He went and watched TV, was able to have a deep and meaningful conversation with one of the guys, then sobered up and went back to just being a zombie.  There were also some good laughs in it, such as the fake hunting TV show "Fuckin Huntin" that started the local "bad ass" and his group.  Also, I think the outbreak starts when the ranch owner gets attacked by a fake animal that he says is a chupacabra but looks like a weird mange dog/beaver/opossum, but I don't recall it being clearly defined as that.

I give Buck Wild 2 chupacabras out of 5:

Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Day 29: From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter (1999) 1h 34min

Okay, so a sequel that I have some background with.  I've seen the original From Dusk Till Dawn, which was written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez.  From Dusk Till Dawn 3 is written by Robert Rodriguez's cousin, Álvaro Rodriguez.  I know that sounds like it's made up, but it's true.  It was filmed by a guy whose credits include unnecessary sequels to films that were already great (such as Lost Boys: The Tribe) and TV shows based off of films (but not the From Dusk Till Dawn TV series).  This gives you an idea of what's going to go on here.

Actually, I'm not entirely sure what's going in here.  Our two groups of characters end up all at the bordello where Danny Trejo serves up tequila and angry looks.  One group is banditos and the other group consists of a pastor, his wife, and the American author/journalist Ambrose Bierce.  Ambrose was a real person that went to join Pancho Villa's army and was never seen again.  That's what happens when a white guy from Ohio does stupid shit.  Equally stupid shit people from Ohio have done, worn a Brown's jersey at the one diner in Pittsburgh and supposedly got stabbed in the bathroom.  I'm pretty sure that's an urban legend, but it's one Yinzer's like.  Also, it's a better story than this film.

This is all pretty much what you expect from a From Dusk Till Dawn film.  Vampires, snake women vampires, debauchery, lots of killing and like a half hour fight scene, and my favorite part where the main vampire woman (that isn't the hangman's daughter) dies.  Dawn comes, she gets caught in the sun and is trying to back into the bordello.  She ends up getting trapped in the door spike/lock things and becomes burnt super crisp for a second.  I half watched the scene and was exhausted from work so I looked over and just said out loud "Whoopie Goldberg?!" before the vampire turned to dust.  The whole movie then ends with some shitty SyFy channel style CGI where the entire screen is just a computer generated shart.

I give From Dusk Till Dawn 3: The Hangman's Daughter 1 plastic vampire fang out of 5:

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Day 28: Bad Milo! (2013) 1h 25min

Ken Marino, Patrick Warburton, Kumail Nanjiani, Stephen Root, and the guy that played "Karl Hungus" from the Big Lebowski come together in this horror-comedy film.  You know if Karl Hungus is in it then it's probably going to be okay.  That's about it, okay.  Not great, not bad, but somewhere in between, where I don't mind the fact I watched it, but I probably won't watch it again.  Although I might suggest it to people if they like The State, or any of those people, or fart/poop jokes, or ever wanted to see Ken Marino screaming on a toilet a lot.  Different strokes for different folks...

The overall plot of Bad Milo! is that Ken Marino has been having issues with stress that have caused him stomach issues.  The stomach issues end up being some sort of demon creature (which has the best fake Mayan illustration) which will escape Ken's ass to kill the person that was causing him the stress and then return to his ass cavern.  The attacks get chalked up to "rabid raccoon attacks."

Ken eventually develops a friendly relationship with Milo to attempt to keep him from killing certain people but toward the end it all goes to fuck.  I'm not going to go into the details of it because this is one of those films that you might want to watch, at least once, just to see it.

Bad Milo! isn't overly funny.  It's mostly poop and fart jokes mixed in with awkward self esteem jokes and annoying family issues.  There is a part where multiple dildos are used as throwing weapons, but I'm leaving it like that.

I give Bad Milo! 2.5 fake dog poops out of 5:

Monday, April 25, 2016

Day 27: Alien Abduction (2014) 1h 25min

See the credit "original concept by" at the end of this film is kind of laughable because Alien Abduction is a combination of films that have definitely been done before and done better.  This isn't to say that it's all bad but it was definitely not great.

Alien Abduction is a "found footage" film where what you see is all from the camcorder of an 11 year old autistic boy.  This camcorder must be the most expensive one you can buy because they didn't even try to make it have any kind of filters to make it seem like it was anything less than a real movie camera.  This camera also somehow functions in the cold blackness of space at one point, does not burn up upon reentry into the Earth's atmosphere, and survives falling and crashing into the ground all while still recording.  This is the kind of camcorder that would be handed down to man by Greek gods!

Set in Brown Mountain, N.C... yes, Brown Mountain....  The amount of poop jokes made at the expensive of the location were great.  Brown Mountain apparently has UFO light anomalies and strange things happening to people.  You would think the family in this movie would have thought to research where they're going to camp and seen some of this.  I can't fault them though.  Something like this would kind of be a selling point for me to go camp there.

As expected, alien encounters occur and family members are picked off one by one.  The aliens also have the power to throw and make it rain dead birds.  They are apparently three year olds.  The aliens though are mostly shown through brief jump scares and it works well.  I jumped.  It scared me.  Successful jump scare accomplished.  Aside from these though it wasn't keeping my attention though.  It did feature the song "smell yo dick," which is a real song.  It exists and has a video.

There's a backwoods redneck that pops up and helps them, then he's sucked into space after being broken in half.  All of the family gets sucked up.  The camera films a bit in the ship before it's shot out of a tube and somehow has enough force to jettison it right back to Earth.  Maybe the ship was just at the top of the atmosphere to allow for gravity to effect it.  I don't know.  Camera of the gods!

Overall, this film gets some points for the aliens, but loses more because it's nothing I haven't seen before.  I like a good "found footage" film, but there are too many that are just not worth the time.  If you want to see a scarier alien film then I would suggest watching The Fourth Kind, or Fire In the Sky.  I think I might have mentioned both of these before, but that's because they're worth it.

I give Alien Abduction 1 Alan Rickman from Galaxy Quest out of 5:

Sunday, April 24, 2016

Day 26: (Tales From the Crypt Presents) Ritual (2002) 1h 39min

Apparently Netflix has the re-release of this film where you don't get the added segments with the Crypt Kepper.  That's probably okay because they put a dreadlock wig on him and he probably made semi-racist puns.  That's if we're going with the original cannon from the EC comics where the Crypt Keeper was just a weathered white guy and the HBO puppet is just him continued.  I think I accidentally just started writing Crypt Keeper fanfic...

So Ritual is actual a remake of the 1943 film I Walked With a Zombie.  I have no knowledge of the original so I can't draw comparisons, and most of these films I start watching at midnight, so fuck all if you think I'm going to double feature any of these.  Unless I would have rolled (Tales From the Crypt) Demon Night.  Then I would probably watch it twice as that movie was pretty good back in the day.

But our heroine is Ferris Bueller's sister.  She loses her medical license for two years for trying to save a child's life with lies... LIES!!!!... to use a special medicine.  The child died.  A#1 doctor all time U.S.A!  So in turn goes to Jamaica where every person of color is a stereotype of some sort and all the white people are super scummy.  Including Tim Curry who continues his run of "hey! Tim Curry is in this!" films by playing a vet that loves the "pom pom."  It's not hard to tell they mean pussy.  I'm sure Tim Curry slept with everyone there.  Have you seen him sing in the Worst Witch!?  Spooky! SCARY!  Get your pants off!

She comes to be the doctor of a sick (actually crossed) brother.  His illness is caused by his brother working with the darker magick vodou community there to keep him from being able to legally make decisions.  There's a huge web of people in this shit show that are attempting to make a profit through what appears to be the gentrification of Jamaica?  I'm not sure but it seems shady.

Supposedly the vodou stuff that they pull from is from the book The Serpent and the Rainbow (also a film), which is a pretty decent source.  I still feel though that some liberties were taken to make certain things seem more dramatic and that was kind of annoying.  I did at least like that they separated traditional vodou with healing and blessing aspects from the darker practices that tend to be done by those less than respectable practitioners.  Jamaica was a random location though but maybe they didn't want to go with the obvious of Haiti and it is a Caribbean area religion.

Eventually it comes down to a bunch of bad CGI, zombie powder, and the woman Ferris's sister was closest with being the "evil" vodou priestess.  The day gets saved, Ferris's sister marries the now "cured" brother, the other brother is dead, and the last shot is of the now zombified priestess in a wedding dress on a bed about to be sexually assaulted by the head police guy.  Fuck them for including that gross shot.  It's not funny, it's not some fucking warning, it's fucking gross!

For that shot alone I instantly give this film 0 copies of The Serpent and the Rainbow out of 5.  The film itself was skating a one the whole time anyway:

Saturday, April 23, 2016

Day 25: Starry Eyes (2014) 1h 38min

In my personal Netflix browsing I passed this movie a bunch.  I probably could have kept living my life passing it... for the rest of my life... until I died..

Starry Eyes revolves around the life of Sarah and her willingness to do anything to be an actress... including blowing a weird old white guy while cult members stand around and watch.  I'm getting ahead of myself though.  So Sarah is a mediocre actress that has a day job at what I thought was a Hooters rip off but was really just a weird family version of Hooters revolving around potatoes and potatoes accessories.

Sarah is prone to some terrible fits when she sucks at life.  She will scream and pull her hair.  At one particular audition she blows it as usual and then the freaks out in the bathroom.  One of the people that gave her the audition catches her and has her do it again in front of the other producer person guy (whom I know from the Devil's Carnival films and an Emilie Autumn video).

Sarah gets a callback where they have her strip in the dark and take random flash pictures of her.  Apparently this is a throwback to an actual audition David Lynch had someone do, or so IMDB tells me.  Eventually Sarah gets another call back which is to blow the old white guy but she bails.  Her hipster friends/not friends feel bad her for and whatever.  They all kind of suck and remind me of half of the faux artists that exist in New Orleans (even though this is L.A.  Every city has them.).

So after taking what I assume is exstacy she makes up her mind to suck that guy off.  The entire process is creepy as he's talking about her being buried in the earth and being reborn with them in the stars.  It's the worst pillow talk.  If I was gonna blow an old white guy and he said that kind of stuff to me I'd leave based on that.  Stardom be damned!  Gramps is talkin' crazy with his dick out!

Immediately after she begins to get really sick and kind of lose her mind.  These scenes are super nasty where she does stuff like pull a nail off and vomits worms.  Eventually she just loses her shit and kills all of her hipster crew at which point the people in robes instantly appear and there is some ritual of old white people in the Hollywood Hills.  She is literally reborn out of the earth and bald as fuck.  Also she might be some sort of reborn deity?  She kills her roommate, puts on a wig and some sexy clothes that were left as a "birthday present" from the cult, and that's it.

Like previous films I've blogged about, this movie could have been much shorter.  It also could have a lot of the friends shit cut.  It wasn't bad in the sense of "this movie is terrible," it was just bad in the sense of "this isn't keeping my interest."  Seriously, I was reading a small self-published book about a 70 year old hiking the Appalachian Trail while watching this.

I give Starry Eyes 1 Leviathan cross/sulfur symbol out of 5:

Friday, April 22, 2016

Day 24: Dracula III: Legacy (2005) 1h 26min

I never saw Dracula 2000 (which sounds like a terrible techno-goth band) or Dracula II: Ascension but these are what come prior to Dracula III: Legacy.  That's how numbers work people. 2000 -> 2 -> 3

Surprisingly this is the second film starring Jason Scott Lee to appear on this blog.  Equally surprising is that Rutger Hauer plays Dracula in this film.  Although Dracula gets probably between 8-10 minutes total of screen time and it's mostly for a fight with his giant and obviously fake sword.  You can watch the sword flop like a semi-flaccid dick on close-up shots.  It's bad.  The design of the sword is bad.  This movie is kind of bad.

It seemed like it was going to be awesome though.  The opening credits are shots of things that look like they belong in a Castlevania movie.  There are whips, blades, vampires, fighting.  All it needed was Jason Scott Lee to eat a pork chop he found in a wall and I would've been sold.  Unfortunately this movie consists mostly of them traveling and a semi-related side angle involving some sort of criminal group collecting Romani for vampires to drain.

The simple plot is that JSL is some sort of dhampir style vampire where he isn't quite human but not a vampire either so he can go out in the day and he wants to kill Dracula.  He does.  Then he sits on Dracula's throne with a lady on his lap... posing like some Heavy Metal magazine spread, suave mother fucker that he is...

That's it.  Some say it's not the destination but the journey, but the journey sucked too.  There was maybe one good fight sequence in the whole thing and it was not like Castlevania at all.  In fact, the first time he fights real vampires they're in fucking clown paint.  Juggalo fuckin' vampires!  Vampalos!  Fuck it.

I give Dracula III: Legacy 1 Castlevania pork chop out of 5:

Thursday, April 21, 2016

Day 23: All Cheerleaders Die (2013) 1h 29min

Coming into this I was either going to love or hate this film.  I knew there would be no in between.  Luckily I was pleasantly surprised.

All Cheerleaders Die is actually a remake of a film with the same name from 2001.  I'm glad someone raided the vaults for this and brought back the ancient papyrus scrolls that made up this script to redo it.  I know I'm talking shit for something I just stated I liked, but the fact it was 12 years between the original and remake just seems too short.

The plot of ACD is the initial death of a cheerleader in a freak cheerleading accident leads to one girl wanting to get revenge on her now ex-boyfiend/absolute scum bag.  In the process of this guy being a shit he punches a girl, threatens tons of people, attempts to get with underage ladies, has a history of sexual assault, and eventually murders people.  Fuck this guy.  He really needs to explode but doesn't.

Our revenge girl joins the cheer squad to enact her plan and things go smoothly until her and three other cheerleaders die in a car crash.  Luckily her on/off lesbian lover is "wiccan" and brings them all back from the dead with crystals and blood.

I use Wiccan in quotes there because this was definitely someone that thought "wiccan" is just an updated and buzzword version of "witch."  It's not.  Not all witches fall under or identify as Wiccan.  In fact, most of what she does would be found questionable in the ethics of a Wiccan... especially what is basically considered necromancy here by reanimating her dead love, those cheerleaders, and a dead cat.  I care about the cat, not so much anyone else.

So this leads to the reanimated girls being some sort of blood requiring zombie/vampires/something where they suck people dry for sustenance.  Two of the girls have also switched bodies which also doesn't need to exist as a plot point.  Eventually douche strap kills one of the girls, takes out the crystal, and ingests it.  This gives him some sort of powers so he begins trying to get the rest.

Things spiral into a bunch of whatever as I just want this guy to be dead already.

This film was definitely remade for middle school/high school males.  Surprisingly though, after the initial 10 minutes the movie really does pick up and being fun to watch.  The cheerleading accident is horrifying when you first see it, and that was what made me start to pay attention.  My only complaints aside form the use of the word "wicca" inappropriately would be the fact that there are probably 3-4 of what my fiancé referred to as "mean girl movie" shots.  You know, where the girl(s) walk down a hallway in slow motion and everyone watches them.  This bugged me because at one point a guy wearing normal glasses responds to watching them go down the hall by lowering his glasses and looking without them.  You have glasses!  You need those to see!

Overall I give All Cheerleaders Die 3 pom poms out of 5:

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Day 22: Night of the Wild (2015) 1h 28min

As soon as I saw the opening CGI I knew I was suckered again.  SyFy/The Asylum's Night of the Wild is the equivalent of hitting your dick with a hammer for an hour and a half.  I'm not sure what the female version of that would be, but ladies, if you have one, it's that.

You never get explained the plot in this film.  There are meteors that break up in the Earth's atmosphere and leave large chucks of green glowing rock around.  Apparently these chunks emit a sound that cause dogs to go insane.  I'm guessing on this because the main girl's dog is supposed to be deaf and he's the only one that doesn't go nuts.  Like I said, not once do they attempt to explain what's up with the meteor chunks.  Hell, they don't even interact with them when they crash their truck into one.  Also, this movie takes place mostly in the day time.  When it's night all the goddamn dogs are sleeping!  Night of the fuck you!

There's nothing else to say about the movie's plot.  That's it.  Dogs that don't really seem like they want to be snarling at things wreck a bunch of people that obviously have the safety padding on their forearms.  That's the only spot the dogs attack!  For the close up shots they had one, FUCKING ONE, fake dog that looked like total shit.  Even for the half seconds you would see it you could tell it was fake.  In some cases it didn't even match the real dog's fur color.  Not that it mattered because they used the same kind of fake fur you find on cheap Halloween store props of rats n' shit.  I don't even need to go into the CGI on this film either.  I've had two to three other movies from these companies that I've already tackled on this blog.

Night of the Wild is bullshit.  Utter fucking bullshit.  Fuck this movie!

Night of the Wild gets 0 Dog the Bounty Hunters out of 5:

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Day 21: Wolf Creek 2 (2013) 1h 46min

My life is composed of sequels of which the originals I have never seen!  After watching Wolf Creek 2 there are two conclusions I have come to: 1) I might go back and watch Wolf Creek 1; 2) The Outback is fucking frightening!  Unless it's Outback Steakhouse, then it's just tame and fake with mediocre steaks.  That rhymes so it must be true!

For the most part I spent a majority of this movie thinking that if this were set in say, Alabama, and some xenophobic redneck were killing off foreigners then people would view it totally differently.  Luckily for us, this is set in Australia where xenophobic redneck Aussies aren't a worry for those of us in the states!

Wolf Creek 2 is loosely based off an actual Australian serial killer, kind of in the way that Texas Chainsaw Massacre is based off of a serial killer.  The main difference being that TCM goes deeper into a more horror-horror sense and WC2 goes into the realistic-horror.  So this film tricks us into thinking we're following a German tourist couple that is hitch hiking across Australia.  Now, I lost my shit instantly because there are a fuck ton of species living in Australia that will pretty much kill you.... possibly included that thing from the movie Species that wants to have your baby!  So I'm not down with this jaunt across fuck-all.

Truthfully the couple is worthless aside from making us read subtitles a bunch.  The real person we tend to follow is the killer himself, who looks like how you would picture the Australian version of an American redneck.  Throughout this film he kills two cops, the German couple, an elderly couple, and has a trap that ends up killing our jump scare girl.  Speaking of her, definitely a good and frightening jump scare.

Our focus shifts to an English chap that gets tangled up with the killer.  In his escape we see just how fucked up this murderer is because they're in some sort of catacombs where there are just tons of bodies chained up, dead, rotting, and some have christmas lights!  Happy holidays, fucker!

Our new hero does survive, but not after being fucked up (and possibly fucked) by our psycho.  This film was good.  It had just the right length for its peaks and valleys of action/suspense.  I will say though that it feels like two short films that got spliced together to make one long film.  This shit felt epic in length.  It could've ended midway through but they eventually wanted a torture porn scene so they drug it out.

I give Wolf Creek 2, 2.5 Paul Hogans out of 5:

Monday, April 18, 2016

Day 20: (Wes Craven's) New Nightmare (1994) 1h 52min

To the best of my knowledge this is one of, if not the first, "meta" horror films to exist.  Set in the "real world" the actors and individuals related to the Nightmare on Elm Street series play themselves.  There are a few exceptions such as the kid from Pet Cemetery playing Dylan (Heather's fake son) and of course Robert Englund reprising Freddy (although the credits say Freddy was played by Freddy Krueger) but overall the border between reality and film are blurred.  So much so that Wes Craven actually included the Heather stalker in the film which was an existing real life event Heather was dealing with at the time and gave him permission to include.

The premise of New Nightmare is similar to previous installments in the sense that film Wes states that all of the energy and fandom surrounding Freddy has caused him to manifest as an actual entity.  The films kept him going and that it's been so long since he's had that attention and focus he has come back to attack the original people involved.  Heather has tons of nightmares and signs of Freddy, Dylan is slowly becoming possessed by Freddy, Wes is haunted by nightmares which cause him to start a new script, and Robert's random beach scene paintings are forgotten for him to paint an awesome Freddy with souls painting.  Seriously, I want a print of that in my home.  I'd hang it right over the bed.  Not on the wall, but on the ceiling.  That's hot, right?  My fiancé isn't here to say otherwise, so it officially is.

We're also treated to a redesign on Freddy himself.  Personally, I'm in the middle of the road with how he looks in this.  The new biomech claw hand is a nice touch, but the head piece isn't as scary as the burned and melted face.  They bring back some of his more interesting moments too like the tongue in the phone and the elongated arms but I'm still middle of the road with him here.

This was actually the last Nightmare on Elm Street film with Robert, and the next to last time he would play Freddy.  Freddy vs. Jason actually takes the credit for the final Robert-as-Freddy moment... goin' out with a bang there, eh buddy?  For real though, I love Robert Englund.  So much so I own Dance of the Dead just because he was on the cover of it.

I only have one real criticism of this film and that would be the sound effects.  They continually use the same stock "pot breaking"  noise for everything from plates falling of the wall in an earthquake to a statue breaking in a cemetery.  Also, when Heather and Dylan are escaping Freddy's nightmare realm there is what I can only describe as a "chamber of farts" sound while they fly through the sky.

Overall, I give New Nightmare 3 Elm St. signs out of 5:

Sunday, April 17, 2016

Day 19: Tale of the Mummy (1998) 1h 28m

Full disclosure: I barely paid attention to this film.  Not even having Jason Scott Lee (he played Bruce Lee in Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story) or Shelley Duvall could make this b-film a b+.  The story started as a typical mummy story.  People find a tomb, tomb is opened, bad shit goes down.  The bad shit in this case was the archaeologists being drained of their body fluids and one of them having half their face dry, crack, and shatter.  My interest was still in the film here.

So this mummy is apparently involved in the resurrection of or is the deity Talos.  When the body was embalmed there was an order to five specific organs taken out of it.  Now the mummy is attempting to get those organs from people and bring Talos back to life.

The mummy itself appears as one of three things in this film.  The first is a bad CGI floating ghost thing, with bandages flailing everywhere.  The second is just a series of dirty rubber resistance bands (for anyone that's had to do PT) that grab people and pull their entire body into things like club toilets.  The final is an actual actor in a costume.  The costume looked great except for the fact that the mummy had bandages going into his mouth which made no sense for a mummy.

The first appearance of the bad CGI mummy was when I tuned out, but I did watch the other mummy parts... and the end.... kind of.  So the mummy gets the body parts, takes this weird beefy alien form, and has a girl tied up.  Jason Scott Lee comes in and the girl tells him to shoot her so space mummy can't possess her form.  Jason does, but then the space mummy says that Jason is actually the one that has the spirit of the princess inside of him and it ends with him being possessed by Talos.

Shelley Duvall was just a random psychic in this who takes new age to a whole new level.  It's always weird seeing her in things that are not The Shining as that's my frame of reference in regards to Ms. Duvall.  Fuckin' space hippies.

Don't even bother looking this film up, it was butt.  Like two butts smooshed together, cheek to cheek, to make a weird giant butt.

I will give it a 1 Scooby Doo "Coin!" mummy out of 5, just because some of the effects were cool.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

Day 18: Hayride 2 (2015) 1h 32min

So once again I roll a sequel to a film that I hadn't seen the previous installment(s).  Luckily for me it seems like this movie probably came up short in the editing procedure and they spliced in a ton of stuff from the first movie so I got a good idea of what the back story was.

Apparently this town has a legend of a murderer named "Pitckfork," aptly named because his murder weapon of choice is said farming implement.  Pitchfork himself looks like Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th Part 2.  He's an oversized man wearing a burlap sack as a mask and he apparently can not be easily harmed by conventional weapons.  So in short, he's a cliché.

The film picks up right where I assume the first leaves off.  Pitchfork is unconscious in an ambulance, wakes up, killing begins.  The people from the first movie are all at the hospital where Pitchfork ends up (even though the ambulance was a ways away from there).  He kidnaps the one girl, fucks up another dude, kills a bunch of people, and the manhunt begins.

The detective(?) and the brothers in this film track him to his not-so-secret basement, free the girl, and there's a good nod to Nightmare On Elm Street.  One of the brothers that was scared of the legend of Pitchfork tells Pitchfork that he's no longer afraid of him.  It's much like where Freddy looses his power because Nancy says she is not afraid and takes back every bit of power she ever gave him.  At this Pitchfork was shot by the other brother and the house burns down while the heroes escape.

Following the general rules of a slasher movie, we're treated to an ending where everyone thinks everything is okay but Pitchfork steps into the last shot. I don't really care if they make a Hayride 3.  If they pick up the third exactly from that point as it seemed that they did from Hayride 1 to Hayride 2, then it could be interesting.  But I will never know as I won't watch it.

This film started okay and had promise, but once it got to the hospital stuff with Pitchfork it became a drone of forced kills and bad plot.  A majority of this movie is definitely re-recorded and overdubbed dialogue.  It's the same words syncing with the lips, but the audio gives it away.  Pitchfork is pretty much just a redneck Jason.  I was looking at IMDB's page for this movie and apparently owner of the house the pictures are from hid a rebel flag in the background of a shot and the writers decided to make it cannon that Pitchfork was a racist and then ran with it.  So much to the point that our only black man in the film Pitchfork attempts to hang in a lynching style.  It felt unnecessary.  This series feels unnecessary.

I give Hayride 2, 1 weird pitchfork farmer clip art pics out of 5:

Friday, April 15, 2016

Day 17: Proxy (2013) 2h 2min

I'm not sure why this is in the horror section on Netflix. It was much less a horror movie and more of a thriller.  Not the good kind of Thriller where zombies dance and there's Vincent Price, but rather the kind of thriller that lead to me taking an esoteric journey into the mind in hopes of finding more than there really was.

I found myself looking beyond the face value of the film just revolving around four people that become connected via their interpersonal relationships in regards to one of the characters.  Each one of these people is in serious need of relationship counseling, coping skills, and proper psychological treatment.  The story doesn't really go beyond that point.

So I found myself, about an hour into Proxy, trying to find hidden meanings.  Was this a tale of creation and destruction, with how the time is spent in between those events?  Is it a dark metaphor of how we all crave attention differently?  It was like I was given a child's puzzle and completed it, but swore there was more than just the picture of kittens.  As if outside the boarders there was a deeper darkness or meaning waiting.

It came to the point where, if I could truly find what this film was meant to tell me, it would grant me a personal epiphany and be akin to seeing the face of god... and it would be weeping.

Weeping that this film exists and claimed two whole hours of my life.  That I became so disconnected from the story, the characters, and the almost Palahniuk-esq attempts at shock, I had to journey into my own mind to justify this moment of my life.  This film kidnapped me and attempted to make me their Patty Hearst...

...but I survived.  And in my survival I get to tell you Proxy is awful and gets NEGATIVE 5 memes out of 5.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

Day 16: Some Kind of Hate (2015) 1h 22min

"Well there's some kind of love, and there's some kind of hate.  The maggots in the eyes of love won't copulate..."

The Misfits song is way better than this movie.  Some Kind of Hate is a collection of 20-somethings posing as misguided teenagers that are sent to the Minds Eye Academy camp.  It's run by some new age guy who looks about the same age as the "teens."

We follow a (grown ass man) teen named Lincoln who is the ultimate broken home/disenchanted white youth.  He gets bullied, even at the camp, and eventually ends up running into a basement and accidentally summoning the spirit of a girl that was bullied to death but the death was covered up as a suicide.  If the ghost girl has any damage done to her by herself or others show up on the other person's body.  It actually ends up that she's responsible for a string of "suicides" over the years at the camp.  She sucks super hard.

It's like an angsty and violent Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter lashing out in misguided ways, including attacking innocent people on her kill spree.  Eventually Lincoln stops with the girl but Lincoln's camp love starts utilizing her.  From here is where the spirit pretty much kills everyone until Lincoln realizes he can hurt her by hurting himself.  So he sets himself on fire and tackles her.  There are some terrible CGI flames here that go sideways because nobody paid attention to the fact the real flames were going up like normal flames do.  Lincoln dies, the camp girlfriend lives, and 30 seconds into the credits we're treated to another girl getting the offer of help from the ghost.

I was tempted to just turn this movie off and cut my losses.  I was actually doing work stuff outside of work, that's how dumb this film was.  I did make some awesome pork chops just before starting the movie, so those were definite marks in the plus column... just not in relation to this movie.

I give Some Kind of Hate 0 Misfits crimson ghosts out of 5:

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

Day 15: La Horde (2009) 1h 36min

The dice apparently decided to be kind to me when I rolled the French horror film La Horde.  I can and probably will gush about this movie during the course of this post because it's a zombie film done right.  It's not perfect, but it's much better than most of the films out there attempting to cash in on the zombie craze.

I'm not going to go into deep detail because you should honestly watch this film (unless you hate subtitles... or the French).  The main plot is that a police officer was killed by a group of criminals and four other cops decide to attempt to exact revenge for his death.  This fails miserably, some are killed, and the rest are held by the criminals.

I'm avoiding saying they're a "gang" because I don't think they fall under that heading.  However, they're not quite a cartel or anything like that.  They're just a handful of bad guys with guns and drugs.

The first zombie is amazing.  A man that they killed, that had a plastic bag on his head, comes back and the bag is torn so the main thing you see is just his teeth.  In fact, this whole movie focuses a lot on the mouth and teeth with the zombies and it's a good call.  I read once in a book that zombies would be less likely to have lips over time because they're hunger and inability to feel pain would cause them they basically bite their own lips off while feeding.  It makes sense, and that concept isn't overdone here.  Not every zombie is all teeth, but this one looks fucking great.

The rest of the movie is the group working together (to a point) to try to escape the building.  That's all I'm going to say as far as plot because even though I'm reviewing movies, know that you should watch this.

There are a few gaffs here and there.  The main one being that even after the first time they do a head shot and it stops a zombie they still continue to shoot the body on other zombies.  It picks up, but not once does anyone call someone else out on not shooting the head.  There's a rail gun used at one point and in the shots the guy is just sweeping the gun back and forth but the bullet belt draped over his arm isn't moving at all.  Also a hand grenade creates some sort of flame wall filling a hallway.  That's not how grenades work.  It's little things like that where I had my immersion with the film broken.

The rest is great though.  The characters are well developed and well acted by everyone.  The use of fast 28 Days Later zombies definitely made things more tense than if they would've used slow Night of the Living Dead style.  There are interactions between the zombies which is something you don't see often.  A guy head butts a bunch of zombies which is also something you don't see often.  There is also a fantastic last stand with one of the characters on top of a car and him just wrecking zombies left and right with pistols, a machete, his body, and his death scene is an amazing wash and wave of zombies claiming him.

Also, if given the choice, I would hope to die while saying "I'll show you hardcore!" right before I jam a grenade in a zombie's mouth too.

I give La Horde 4 frag grenades out of 5:  Like I said, it's not perfect, but it is pretty fucking great.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Day 14: Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016) 1h 28m

At this point in this initial 30-day run I find myself craving a film that is from the last century.  It seems that most of the movies I have been watching recently have been post 2010 and not a single one has really lived up to some of the older horror films I really like.  Case in point, today's rusty screwdriver to the eye: Little Dead Rotting Hood.

Set somewhere in Pennsylvania (something I only know because I recognized the PA plates on the cars), this whole mess starts when a wolf chases down and attacks a teenage-ish-maybe-IDKWTF girl dressed in red.  Eventually her grandmother tells the wolf to leave and explains to the dying girl that she is sorry but someone needs to protect the town.  The girl is then buried with a red cloak and sword (something that seems to get totally forgotten until the last quarter of the movie when it becomes the Deus Ex Machina of the film) and the grandmother does a suicidal blood ritual.  Don't worry, when they try to explain how everything works later in the movie, it actually makes it more confusing.

So wolves begin attacking people when they're about to get their swerve on.  I thought it had something to do with the old horror adage of if you have sex then you'll die, but really it just seems like a reason to show tits.  When the town tries to hunt the wolves the wolves start wrecking their hunting party.  There is a CGI wolf head explosion here, and I laughed really hard at that because it looked so hilarious, but that's the only part of this movie I was entertained by.  While their buttholes are getting wrecked by these wolves we see our girl in red reappear as some monster lady type thing.  She has cat eyes, some kind of fangs, and really long metal nails now?  I'm not sure what she is supposed to be.  I think she only kills one wolf here but the rest fuck off and then she leaves.

Eventually it's discovered there's a "den mother" for these wolves which are actually hipsters that turn into werewolves via shaky cam pop n' lock break dance moves.  That's a long description, but trust me, it's the only way it can be described.  The den mother ends up being the cop that knew a lot about wolves (big surprise there) and looks like someone tried to make a werewolf from the Underworld series out of a 3D rendering program they got for free with a PC World subscription.  She is defeated by Red only after her boyfriend finds the hooded cape and sword AND is then eventually killed.  His death gives Red the rage to kill the mother because up until this point she was just getting swatted away.

So now Red is the new defender of the woods, or a Planeteer, or Voltron lion pilot, whatever.  I don't care.  They tried to leave the end set up for a sequel which I hope never fucking happens.

This movie is rife with bullshit.  For starters, someone starts an iPod by pressing the next song arrow, people have large rifles and shotguns apparently just lying around all the time, and Grizzly Adams just has a flamethrower somehow.  This movie was put out by The Asylum, which also put out Sharknado 3, so that explains a lot.  The best note I have for this film is actually "I want to play Altered Beast."

I give Little Dead Rotting Hood 1 Altered Beast cabinet arts out of 5:

Monday, April 11, 2016

Day 13: The Monkey's Paw (2013) 1h 31min

TV networks need to stick to TV and not keep dipping into full length films.  Chiller (the TV network) produced this film, and while it lacked the terrible CGI present in SyFy films it didn't do much better with the story telling.

The movie starts with a scene of a boy kneeling by his bed side.  We hear some screaming from downstairs and I thought it was a bad home life angle but the boy leaves his room to find his father dead on the ground.  Next to his hand is the monkey paw doing the shocker.  Two in the pink, one in the death hole!  Actually, that would've been a better tag line for this.

So we move forward to New Orleans and our main characters of Jake and Cobb.  They come across the paw when a co-worker that was just recently fired passes it on to them in a bar and Jake wishes for the GT parked outside.  Now, he isn't given the car.  They pretty much steal it as the doors were unlocked and the keys were inside.  That's definitely car theft.  Also, Louisiana is the prison capital of the world, so you're going to do some time white boys.

They swerve to avoid hitting an alligator... I repeat, an alligator.

Okay, now, I live in New Orleans.  Not once have I ever had to swerve to avoid a gator; chickens: sure, giant potholes because the roads are fucking terrible here: yes, gators: never.  There's also a part where a woman is on a two-lane rural road and tells 911 she's on I-10.  I-10 is a six-lane highway that runs from Florida to California.  It is definitely not a rural back road. /rant

So they swerve, hit a tree, and Cobb flies out the windshield.  I wish that gator would have ate his corpse because if that happened and the movie ended I would be nominating it for all the awards.  Unfortunately Jake wishes Cobb back to life and he comes back without a soul.  This leads him to be insane and slaughter everyone Jake holds dear in an attempt to have a turn with the monkey paw.

Since Cobb can't use it until Jake uses his third and last wish (which doesn't make sense since the paw has four fingers) he wishes Cobb's soul back.  Cobb kills himself, I don't really care.

The movie started off like it was going to be a well done version of the Monkey's Paw story.  If you're not familiar with this general story, the paw is a magical fetish which grants wishes, but grants them in fucked up ways.  So if you wish for money your wife would die and you'd get her life insurance policy.  Things like that.  It ended up being a pointless kill fest with no real purpose.  If this movie had lips, I'd make it kiss my ass.  Also, I wish films wouldn't attempt to hit you over the head with New Orleans stereotypes when set in New Orleans.  Yeah, Bourbon Street exists, we all know.  Try shooting in City Park which is one of the most beautiful parks I've ever been to.  How about you film in Gentilly instead of the Treme?  The guy with the "grenade" bottle was a nice touch though.

I give The Monkey's Paw 1 Barrel of Monkeys monkey out of 5:

Sunday, April 10, 2016

Day 12: Cujo (1983) 1h 32min

All that I ever knew about Cujo was that it was a movie about a dog that kills people and it was written by Stephen King.  Apparently Mr. King has been quoted as saying that his drinking problem was so bad at this time that he doesn't even remember writing the book.  That right there should be grounds for why this movie shouldn't have been made.  While there have been many alcoholic writers throughout history, Stephen King was not one of the ones that wrote fucking masterpieces while in a drunken haze.

Coming into this I hoped Cujo was some demon possessed hound from hell.  Instead, it's literally just about a dog that chases a rabbit into a secret entrance to the Bat Cave.  His barking wakes bats and they bite his face, thus starting the demonic plague of rabies!  You know that part in the bible where Jesus happens upon a man possessed by many demons and they say their name is Rabies...  yeah, because rabies isn't evil!  It sucks for an animal to get it, but it's not scary.

Also, why weren't those bats showing signs of rabies?  Once signs show an animal dies in the next 10 days.  Bats don't just have rabies like snakes have venom.

Most of this film is people screaming and the dog barking.  "Cujo" does sound much better than "Dog Barks/People Scream: The Movie." Cujo mostly takes place with a boy and his mom being trapped in a broken car while Cujo constantly tries to fuck them up.  The kid is an awful actor and only wears pajamas most of the time.  He apparently dies in the book, but lives in at the end of the movie.  I couldn't care either way.

That's it!  That's Cujo!  Rabid dog fucks shit up!  Apparently there are people that think Cujo's problem isn't actually the rabies but rather he is possessed by the spirit of Frank Dodd from King's The Dead Zone.  It's the same area and there is a brief mention of Dodd at the beginning, but I feel this is just people wanting to make this movie more interesting that it really is.  The dog has rabies and becomes an asshole.  End of story.

I give Cujo 0 VW Rabbits out of 5

Saturday, April 9, 2016

Day 11: Ejecta (2014) 1h 22min

Ejecta is the equivalent of a really fucked up episode of the X-Files minus Gillian Anderson's eye rolls at everything.  Our main person (William) is played Julian Richings.  You may remember him from something you've seen a million times but can't place it, and IMDB is no help because it's none of those things on that list, or if you're a Supernatural fan.  William is this ghost to the world.  Not in the incorporeal sense, but more in the sense that he is reclusive and hard to find.  He is known for posting information on aliens and how he was abducted and implanted with a device that lets him be controlled.  He also can't sleep for long, is in constant pain, and apparently he can't die while the implant is in him.  The immortal aspect is tested a lot in the "present day" scenes from the movie.

The past scenes are of an attempted documentary a blogger (I guess) named Joe that William contacts.  Everything from this time line is shown through the eye of the camera lens.  The two lines meet during a raid of William's house by some group that must be the government.  Maybe it's Scully's leather jacket motorcycle riding evil doctor twin in charge of it?  I want to believe.

Post raid, all the scenes are of William being tortured but surviving without much of a scratch.  Pre-raid ends up catching a UFO crash, the capture of an alien body, and then paramilitary raid.  Let me just say, these military people are dumb as fuck because there is some slime all over things, and people are just touching it with their bare fingers.  You don't know what that is!  It could be that the alien felt like rubbin' one out on that truck door!  You don't know that alien's fetish for a 2010 Dodge truck!

The ending was okay, so for once I'm not going to spoil it on here as this was a pretty middle of the road movie.  It could be worth a watch if you want.  Although, there are far better alien abduction horror movies that exist.  I would suggest watching Fire in the Sky or The Fourth Kind if you want an alien scare fest as both are supposedly based on real events, and putting something in the possibility of the real world always makes it scarier.

I give Ejecta 3 kind of sexy alien butts out of 5.

Friday, April 8, 2016

Day 10: Black Forest (2012) 1h 25min

I can't believe I rolled another SyFy produced movie.

If I learned anything from this film it's don't trust a German guy that hands you a crow feather and tells you it's a "ticket" to his "tour."  Once again horror logic 101 that no one wants to follow.  Black Forest takes the concept of "fairy tales" a bit too literally as everyone in this film ends up being pulled into a fairy realm where Grimm tales are real.  With a name like "Black Forest" I would rather it take place in the Dead Wood level of Mortal Kombat 2.  At least those graphic were better than this movie's.

We're treated to some interesting takes on things like Snow White where the dwarves actually cannibalize a girl in a way very similar to if you've ever seen the Tom Petty video to "Don't Come Around Here No More."  They don't cut her into cake slices, but the scene made me think of that.  We also have a Sleeping Beauty, Hansel and Gretel, Three Billy Goats Gruff, and Red Riding Hood pop up as main players here in this film.  Some sub ones exist but they're mostly illustrated by spooky skeletons covered in cobwebs.

The whole film revolves around a couple with a baby, two dorks, a doctor, and the girl that becomes the first kill via cannibal dwarves.  The group does pick up another woman that has been trapped in that realm for a long time, but picking up one while the others are dropping like flies doesn't help much.  Plus the fact that her appearance is the doctor's dead wife is unnerving.  We do see her true form at one point, and her face is hella busted.

The main plot is that when they entered this realm it was all a trick to get the baby and they're trying to get the baby back.  A CGI rabbit gets eaten by the CGI big bad wolf at one point and I cared more about that fake rabbit dying that the rest of this movie.  Almost everyone gets picked off, the one geek and the mom with the baby escape while the doctor stays behind with his fake wife.  That's it.  Everything else you can already guess what happens.  It's a concept done to death, but when it's done right, it's great.  Or, if you pick one single story then you can run with it, like Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters (it's schlock, I know, but I love it).  The fact this movie jumped from story to story and would occasionally follow someone other than the doctor or the mother made it too random.  The sets were great, but once a CGI element came in it's like a fucking 3DO game got inserted into the film.

I give Black Forest 1 Smoke hiding in the Dead Wood out of 5

Thursday, April 7, 2016

Day 9: Condemned (2015) 1h 23min

The quote on that poster says "a goretastic and terrifying good time."  This film was neither of those things.  In fact, this whole film felt like some fresh-outta-film-school circle jerk.  I just had to check IMDB to see if this director had anything else under his belt, and not only did he write this, but this is his first feature film with only one documentary listed as his previous work.

Condemned is set in New York city where a rich girl that's tired of her parents fighting in their Hampton's beach front home calls her boyfriend in the city and he says for her to come live with him.  I don't know what the age difference is here, but I'm assuming she's 18 and he's in his early to mid 20's just so things are legal.  He takes her to his apartment building which is a tenement that is locked and condemned.  I'm trying to come up with an pun on the double meaning here with the film being called "Condemned," but I hate puns, so ( INSERT PUN HERE ).

We meet everyone in the building: the super that is just building weird moving sex mannequins, the gay German hardcore S&M couple (that I thought was the singer of Rammstein at first.  It wasn't and I'm disappointed.), the Orthodox Jew that left his family for drugs and a relationship with a transgendered woman/sex worker, the shut in/germaphobe, the Chinese guy that has a drug lab and puts his product in fortune cookies to sell it, the new-wave heroin user couple, and our protagonists and their two roommates.  The first half of this film was pretty decent as it set up each of the characters and made you more interested in their lives.  If this film never hard the "horror" element then I would have liked it more.

Over time everyone in the building starts getting weird boils and blisters and they all start to lose their shit.  What I thought was initially a connection error with Netflix was how they see the world when their "rage" is starting to kick in.  I use the term "rage" because there's a giant neon "garage" sign with the "ga" burnt out that you see not long before shit goes down.  It's obvious foreshadowing and makes me want to steal a large neon sign for in my bedroom.  Maybe one that says "nudes," but it might burn out and say "nud" and then I have to make up some stupid story of what "nud" means and why it's cool so my cats won't judge me.

So rage hits, everyone starts killing everyone while our Romeo and Juliet attempt to escape the building.  The building itself was locked with bike locks by the drug maker, who was then hit by a cop car and murdered.  None of those parts make any sense and I think it was more a matter of "how can I lock them in with this character that doesn't fit the rest of the story I wrote."  Gore does ensue, but it's more slime and blisters, except for when one girl gets her head lobbed off with an axe, and another guy uses a four-point buck skull as a weapon.  I grew up in the mountains.  Don't judge me!  Cats!  I'm looking at you!

So in the end, the CDC apparently has our rich girl that escapes and everyone else is dead.  Then the CDC wants the whole block shut down and that's about it.  Really there was no surprise, it was a cliché attempt at making a "zombie" movie where the people weren't reanimated dead but instead chemical freaks.

Like I said, the individual characters were definitely interesting but that all gets lost once everyone is just trying to kill each other.  A muscle guy with an axe has been done the death, literally.  The skull was a nice touch, and I'm not sure where the transgendered woman got a pipe with a buzz saw blade attached to it, but I didn't care enough to question it.

I give Condemned 1 axe shaped Gene Simmons bass out of 5.  Mainly because it's a freshman effort, and the characters where there, but it fell off once the schlock horror execution came in.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 8: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) 1h 33min

Sharknado 3 is set in some sort of horrible hell universe where Ann Coulter is the VP and she surfs down a staircase full of sharks on a painting of George Washington while Mark McGrath surfs one of a pensive Abe Lincoln.

That's an actual scene in this movie.  It's fucking real.  Someone thought of it, someone made it happen.  How do we, as a civilization, move forward from here?  You know where we move?  Universal Studios, then fucking space!

This has the most b-list actors and politicians ever.  Aside from the two above there's more such as Lou Ferrigno (who does say "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry"), Frankie Muniz, Jedward, and Chris Jericho.  I was praying Chris Jericho would put a shark in the Walls of Jericho, but instead he ends up jobbing to the shark.  In Y2J's defense, the shark was eating him at the time but I think he could've kicked out of it.

I can't even describe this movie.  I can't.  There's too much shit going on at all times.  My only legit criticisms of this movie are as follows:

- In the beginning there's a seagull on screen and they use a pigeon noise.  Fuck you! I know the difference!
- The theme song over the credits is the worst Ramones rip-off I've ever heard.
- SyFy's CGI is still terrible looking
- This isn't really a horror movie anymore, more of an action-AU type thing.

...and that's it.

I saw the first one years ago just for the sake of seeing it and thought it was goofy but not too bad.  This shit is just over the top the entire time, but in that "this movie is so bad it's amazing!"  Kind of like the music of Ronnie James Dio.  It's cheesy, but that's what makes it great.  Also, Dio would fight a dragon on stage with a plugged in light-up sword, and Fin here fights sharks in space with a dual bladed laser chainsaw...  Same shit, different day.

I give Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! three Frankie Muniz out of five.

Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Day 7: Joyride 3: Roadkill (2014) 1h 35min

 I hadn't seen Joyride 1 or 2 but I don't feel like I'm missing any grand backstory.  My fiancé attempted a few times to assure me that Joyride 1 is somewhat decent and had Paul Walker in it.  This movie was not decent and Paul Walker is super dead, which is a step beyond normal dead because there's that supposed ghost picture of him.

The only way I can describe Joyride 3 is based on the fact that I said "this is dumb" about 30 times while watching this movie.  Here's the entire summery:

- Route 17 has a murderous psycho trucker by the CB handle Rusty Nail
- Rusty kills people
- A lot of fucking people
- Dumb kid fucks with him while driving with friends
- Rusty uses the trucker dark net to track the plates
- Rusty uses normal Google to find out tons of info on them
- He kills a bunch of them except for two
- His rig gets crushed in a car compactor (kind of)
- OMGWTFBBQ! Where's his body?!
- Of course he's still alive

That's it.  I can't even go into deep detail because that's the fucking movie!  There are two scenes that are noteworthy though.  First is the beginning where it instantly starts with a girl smoking meth.  She then starts having the most awkward sex with her meth head boyfriend which I can only describe as, well... I can't put it into words, but maybe this picture will do it:

It was like this, but she had less facial hair and more meth.

She lasts all of 30 seconds before she wants more meth but they're out.  Meth head logic dictates they will attempt to rob a trucker of their meth and/or money and buy meth.  Insert Rusty who fucking wrecks their day and chains them to his truck.  He then tapes the biggest bag of meth to his windshield and tells them if they can hang on to the truck for one mile, he'll let them go and give them the drugs.  If one of them slips though, the chains will catch in his drive shaft and pull them under the truck.

I never thought I would be rooting for meth addicts.

So they make it the mile, but Rusty is still driving a bit.  The girl, a pillar of good judgment, decides she's going to try to grab the bag of meth before the truck stops.  There is no logic here as she is definitely not going to be able to smoke any of it right now so fuck her, I'm done rooting for your junkie ass to survive.  I now want blood, and like AC/DC sang, "If you want blood, you got it!"  Her move makes her boyfriend get sucked under the truck and she quickly follows.  We're treated to Rusty's semi driving away with assorted scattered body parts left on Route 17.  Meth... not even once. (This PSA brought to you by Paul Walker's ghost!)

The other memorable scene is when Rusty's semi hits a cop car and perfectly cuts it in half and makes it explode all at the same time.  Try to understand, he's a magic man.  Not really, but holy fuck did I laugh really loud at 1am when this scene happened.

This movie was awful on a different level because it was, what I assume, a formula at this point, and the formula just didn't work.  This film also has some of the worst music I've ever heard.  The first Twilight movie has some super shit music, but this was pretty fucking bad too.  They did at lest make a Large Marge reference in this film, which will be my rating scale for this film.

I give Joyride 3: Roadkill one Large Marge out of five, and it's only because of how hard I laughed at that one part:

Monday, April 4, 2016

Day 6: Ravenous (1999) 1h 40min

Ravenous is barely a horror movie.  In fact, as soon as it started I was worried it was going to be a comedic horror.  Which would be fine if it were on the levels of say, Murder Party, or Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.  In truth, after researching, apparently this film was meant to be a black comedy.  I can see that, but if you want to watch a black comedy with cannibalism as the main theme then I would suggest watching The Last Supper (1995).

Ravenous is set around the Mexican American war where a soldier is sent to California because he won't eat his steak.  Actually it's because he laid down on the battle field and played dead.  He wasn't court-martialed though because he later captured an enemy base all on his own.  So he's the bi-polar soldier.

So our shell-shocked zero arrives at the camp in California where we get our introduction to the other people stationed there.  This is a quick montage of guys either being drunk, getting high, or in one case standing shirtless in a river and screaming like a wild man.  This screaming guys' hair is super bleached too which makes me think an old time Walgreens must've been close by.

A stranger eventually drifts into the camp at night, they rescue him, and he tells a story of trying to cross the U.S. and the group being stuck in a cave for the winter.  They have a Donner style party and cannibalism ensues.  This guy supposedly leaves/escapes and ended up at the camp.  One of the Native Americans at the camp then tells the story of how Wendigos are created via cannibalism.  I was hoping for an awesome monster transformation at this point.  I was let down, horribly, and the only real monster was me for watching this film.

I've reached the point of not caring here so he's the speed run version:  The story was a lie, the guy kills almost everyone, our protagonist escapes but has to eat some of screaming river guy in the process.  After a time another regiment comes in and is lead by the stranger in military clothes.  Our zero freaks out and knows it's the cannibal.  They end up having a conversation about how eating another person's flesh will heal all woulds and basically grant a form of immortality.  Almost everyone is then killed and we're left with our zero, the stranger, and the old leader of the camp that was given man meat to eat so he didn't die.  I hope he was fed the butthole because this movie is a fucking turd.

Our zero kills the old leader because he doesn't want to continue being an immortal cannibal.  Apparently living for another week was enough for him.  After zero kills him then he fights with the stranger and that leads up to them both getting trapped in the biggest bear trap to ever exist.  The stranger dies first and our zero chooses to die rather than eat the stranger and live.  In the end, you truly were a man of valor, you dick nose.  I promote you to Sergeant Boner Kill.

This wasn't a horror movie despite Netflix saying it was.  This wasn't a good movie despite the rating of three and four-fifths stars Netflix had for it.  I want that hour and 40 minutes of my life back!  Who's ass cheek do I have to eat to get that back from Wendigo-ism.  If you want to watch a movie with cannibalism then watch The Last Supper, or Cannibal The Musical, or Cannibal Holocaust, not this shit.

I give Ravenous zero cannibal forks out of five: