Monday, April 11, 2016

Day 13: The Monkey's Paw (2013) 1h 31min

TV networks need to stick to TV and not keep dipping into full length films.  Chiller (the TV network) produced this film, and while it lacked the terrible CGI present in SyFy films it didn't do much better with the story telling.

The movie starts with a scene of a boy kneeling by his bed side.  We hear some screaming from downstairs and I thought it was a bad home life angle but the boy leaves his room to find his father dead on the ground.  Next to his hand is the monkey paw doing the shocker.  Two in the pink, one in the death hole!  Actually, that would've been a better tag line for this.

So we move forward to New Orleans and our main characters of Jake and Cobb.  They come across the paw when a co-worker that was just recently fired passes it on to them in a bar and Jake wishes for the GT parked outside.  Now, he isn't given the car.  They pretty much steal it as the doors were unlocked and the keys were inside.  That's definitely car theft.  Also, Louisiana is the prison capital of the world, so you're going to do some time white boys.

They swerve to avoid hitting an alligator... I repeat, an alligator.

Okay, now, I live in New Orleans.  Not once have I ever had to swerve to avoid a gator; chickens: sure, giant potholes because the roads are fucking terrible here: yes, gators: never.  There's also a part where a woman is on a two-lane rural road and tells 911 she's on I-10.  I-10 is a six-lane highway that runs from Florida to California.  It is definitely not a rural back road. /rant

So they swerve, hit a tree, and Cobb flies out the windshield.  I wish that gator would have ate his corpse because if that happened and the movie ended I would be nominating it for all the awards.  Unfortunately Jake wishes Cobb back to life and he comes back without a soul.  This leads him to be insane and slaughter everyone Jake holds dear in an attempt to have a turn with the monkey paw.

Since Cobb can't use it until Jake uses his third and last wish (which doesn't make sense since the paw has four fingers) he wishes Cobb's soul back.  Cobb kills himself, I don't really care.

The movie started off like it was going to be a well done version of the Monkey's Paw story.  If you're not familiar with this general story, the paw is a magical fetish which grants wishes, but grants them in fucked up ways.  So if you wish for money your wife would die and you'd get her life insurance policy.  Things like that.  It ended up being a pointless kill fest with no real purpose.  If this movie had lips, I'd make it kiss my ass.  Also, I wish films wouldn't attempt to hit you over the head with New Orleans stereotypes when set in New Orleans.  Yeah, Bourbon Street exists, we all know.  Try shooting in City Park which is one of the most beautiful parks I've ever been to.  How about you film in Gentilly instead of the Treme?  The guy with the "grenade" bottle was a nice touch though.

I give The Monkey's Paw 1 Barrel of Monkeys monkey out of 5:

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