Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Day 14: Little Dead Rotting Hood (2016) 1h 28m

At this point in this initial 30-day run I find myself craving a film that is from the last century.  It seems that most of the movies I have been watching recently have been post 2010 and not a single one has really lived up to some of the older horror films I really like.  Case in point, today's rusty screwdriver to the eye: Little Dead Rotting Hood.

Set somewhere in Pennsylvania (something I only know because I recognized the PA plates on the cars), this whole mess starts when a wolf chases down and attacks a teenage-ish-maybe-IDKWTF girl dressed in red.  Eventually her grandmother tells the wolf to leave and explains to the dying girl that she is sorry but someone needs to protect the town.  The girl is then buried with a red cloak and sword (something that seems to get totally forgotten until the last quarter of the movie when it becomes the Deus Ex Machina of the film) and the grandmother does a suicidal blood ritual.  Don't worry, when they try to explain how everything works later in the movie, it actually makes it more confusing.

So wolves begin attacking people when they're about to get their swerve on.  I thought it had something to do with the old horror adage of if you have sex then you'll die, but really it just seems like a reason to show tits.  When the town tries to hunt the wolves the wolves start wrecking their hunting party.  There is a CGI wolf head explosion here, and I laughed really hard at that because it looked so hilarious, but that's the only part of this movie I was entertained by.  While their buttholes are getting wrecked by these wolves we see our girl in red reappear as some monster lady type thing.  She has cat eyes, some kind of fangs, and really long metal nails now?  I'm not sure what she is supposed to be.  I think she only kills one wolf here but the rest fuck off and then she leaves.

Eventually it's discovered there's a "den mother" for these wolves which are actually hipsters that turn into werewolves via shaky cam pop n' lock break dance moves.  That's a long description, but trust me, it's the only way it can be described.  The den mother ends up being the cop that knew a lot about wolves (big surprise there) and looks like someone tried to make a werewolf from the Underworld series out of a 3D rendering program they got for free with a PC World subscription.  She is defeated by Red only after her boyfriend finds the hooded cape and sword AND is then eventually killed.  His death gives Red the rage to kill the mother because up until this point she was just getting swatted away.

So now Red is the new defender of the woods, or a Planeteer, or Voltron lion pilot, whatever.  I don't care.  They tried to leave the end set up for a sequel which I hope never fucking happens.

This movie is rife with bullshit.  For starters, someone starts an iPod by pressing the next song arrow, people have large rifles and shotguns apparently just lying around all the time, and Grizzly Adams just has a flamethrower somehow.  This movie was put out by The Asylum, which also put out Sharknado 3, so that explains a lot.  The best note I have for this film is actually "I want to play Altered Beast."

I give Little Dead Rotting Hood 1 Altered Beast cabinet arts out of 5:

No comments:

Post a Comment