Thursday, April 21, 2016

Day 23: All Cheerleaders Die (2013) 1h 29min

Coming into this I was either going to love or hate this film.  I knew there would be no in between.  Luckily I was pleasantly surprised.

All Cheerleaders Die is actually a remake of a film with the same name from 2001.  I'm glad someone raided the vaults for this and brought back the ancient papyrus scrolls that made up this script to redo it.  I know I'm talking shit for something I just stated I liked, but the fact it was 12 years between the original and remake just seems too short.

The plot of ACD is the initial death of a cheerleader in a freak cheerleading accident leads to one girl wanting to get revenge on her now ex-boyfiend/absolute scum bag.  In the process of this guy being a shit he punches a girl, threatens tons of people, attempts to get with underage ladies, has a history of sexual assault, and eventually murders people.  Fuck this guy.  He really needs to explode but doesn't.

Our revenge girl joins the cheer squad to enact her plan and things go smoothly until her and three other cheerleaders die in a car crash.  Luckily her on/off lesbian lover is "wiccan" and brings them all back from the dead with crystals and blood.

I use Wiccan in quotes there because this was definitely someone that thought "wiccan" is just an updated and buzzword version of "witch."  It's not.  Not all witches fall under or identify as Wiccan.  In fact, most of what she does would be found questionable in the ethics of a Wiccan... especially what is basically considered necromancy here by reanimating her dead love, those cheerleaders, and a dead cat.  I care about the cat, not so much anyone else.

So this leads to the reanimated girls being some sort of blood requiring zombie/vampires/something where they suck people dry for sustenance.  Two of the girls have also switched bodies which also doesn't need to exist as a plot point.  Eventually douche strap kills one of the girls, takes out the crystal, and ingests it.  This gives him some sort of powers so he begins trying to get the rest.

Things spiral into a bunch of whatever as I just want this guy to be dead already.

This film was definitely remade for middle school/high school males.  Surprisingly though, after the initial 10 minutes the movie really does pick up and being fun to watch.  The cheerleading accident is horrifying when you first see it, and that was what made me start to pay attention.  My only complaints aside form the use of the word "wicca" inappropriately would be the fact that there are probably 3-4 of what my fiancĂ© referred to as "mean girl movie" shots.  You know, where the girl(s) walk down a hallway in slow motion and everyone watches them.  This bugged me because at one point a guy wearing normal glasses responds to watching them go down the hall by lowering his glasses and looking without them.  You have glasses!  You need those to see!

Overall I give All Cheerleaders Die 3 pom poms out of 5:

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