Friday, April 22, 2016

Day 24: Dracula III: Legacy (2005) 1h 26min

I never saw Dracula 2000 (which sounds like a terrible techno-goth band) or Dracula II: Ascension but these are what come prior to Dracula III: Legacy.  That's how numbers work people. 2000 -> 2 -> 3

Surprisingly this is the second film starring Jason Scott Lee to appear on this blog.  Equally surprising is that Rutger Hauer plays Dracula in this film.  Although Dracula gets probably between 8-10 minutes total of screen time and it's mostly for a fight with his giant and obviously fake sword.  You can watch the sword flop like a semi-flaccid dick on close-up shots.  It's bad.  The design of the sword is bad.  This movie is kind of bad.

It seemed like it was going to be awesome though.  The opening credits are shots of things that look like they belong in a Castlevania movie.  There are whips, blades, vampires, fighting.  All it needed was Jason Scott Lee to eat a pork chop he found in a wall and I would've been sold.  Unfortunately this movie consists mostly of them traveling and a semi-related side angle involving some sort of criminal group collecting Romani for vampires to drain.

The simple plot is that JSL is some sort of dhampir style vampire where he isn't quite human but not a vampire either so he can go out in the day and he wants to kill Dracula.  He does.  Then he sits on Dracula's throne with a lady on his lap... posing like some Heavy Metal magazine spread, suave mother fucker that he is...

That's it.  Some say it's not the destination but the journey, but the journey sucked too.  There was maybe one good fight sequence in the whole thing and it was not like Castlevania at all.  In fact, the first time he fights real vampires they're in fucking clown paint.  Juggalo fuckin' vampires!  Vampalos!  Fuck it.

I give Dracula III: Legacy 1 Castlevania pork chop out of 5:

No comments:

Post a Comment