Friday, April 1, 2016

Day 3: Zombeavers (2014) 1h 17min

I have a single note for this film, and it's "Fuck everything about this movie!!"

This movie was definitely made for teenage/college age males, and I'm way beyond that age range.  So watching this movie was like dragging my dick through broken glass.  Which is honestly a downer because I love terrible b-grade horror movies.  I have a collection of Troma films for christ's sake... A COLLECTION!  Not just the Toxie movies but random shit like Rockabilly Vampire.  So let's see where this movie shit the bed.

I don't remember anyone's name in this movie, so from here we're going to go with the nicknames I give them.  Lisa Loeb, Obligitory Blonde Girl (OBG), and Not Aubrey Plaza (NAP) are heading to a cabin for a girl's weekend since OBG's boyfriend apparently made out with some other girl at a party.  OBG doesn't know who it was, but to save time here it was Lisa Loeb.  Everyone knows but OBG.

They arrive and go for a swim in the lake which leads to the only instance of bare breasts as NAP wants to be topless for no tan lines.  I agree girl, tan lines are the worst!  So they see a beaver dam and decide to check it out.  Earlier in the film there was a truck that lost a canister of some sort of waste container into the water and it sprayed all over dam and some Caddyshack groundhog looking beavers.  So they go to the dam and see what they assume is green "beaver piss" all over the dam and the beaver lodge.

Night comes and Lisa Loeb is getting freaked out by banging noises and NAP goes to investigate.  At this point we are introduced to their boyfriends by NAP's running up with a hood on, turning around, and farting loudly.  You know what NAP, you can do better.  Seriously.  In fact, everyone in this movie can do better.  In every way.  Become better people, find better lovers, get acting lessons and land good movies?  I don't know.  I hate every character in this movie aside from the dog, and that's because the dog just has to be a dog and fucking nails that perfectly.  Oscar dog right fucking there!

After some awkward sex scenes between NAP and her boyfriend Asshole, where he says "I feel like a Power Ranger" during, and Lisa Loeb and Jock, we are eventually treated to our first shot of an actual Zombeaver when OBG goes to take an angry shower (her 40-something leather jacket hairy chested bad boy now ex boyfriend came too).  The puppet sucks, but not as bad as the CGI beavers later in the film.  Anyway, it's beaten with a bat and put on the porch in a garbage bag.

The next day the beavers get their revenge while the kids are swimming in the lake and they take Asshole's foot off and kill the dog. (RIP Oscar dog... best supporting actor)  Some of the teens/"adults" are bitten too before they make it to the cabin.  From here it's the typical horror movie tropes:

"we have to get this guy to a hospital"
"oh shit! the bad guy blocked our exit"

"I'm a random stranger, I'll help. Oi! I'm the dead"
"This place is safe.  Nope, it's full of death."

The twist of this being that everyone that was bit begins to turn into zombie beaver people.  So they get gross nails, zombie teeth, and in some cases beaver tails.  I should have turned this movie off at this point, or grabbed the nearest object and scooped the eyes from my orbital sockets in protest of the hell I hath just witnessed, but I soldiered on.  So in the end Lisa Loeb and NAP escape, but Lisa Loeb changes, NAP kills her, and then NAP is killed by the same truck that lost the waste canister in the beginning.  Everyone is dead now and the zombeavers and man-zombie-beavers are still alive back at that lake.  Hopefully they all die of infected dick splinters and a sequel is never made.

One hour and 17 minutes was still too long for this movie to have existed.  The thing that makes bad movies awesome is that those people originally set out to make a good movie but it became what it became.  When you attempt to purposely make a good bad movie, you will fail as spectacularly as this film did.

I give this movie zero dog Oscars out of five:

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