Monday, April 4, 2016

Day 6: Ravenous (1999) 1h 40min

Ravenous is barely a horror movie.  In fact, as soon as it started I was worried it was going to be a comedic horror.  Which would be fine if it were on the levels of say, Murder Party, or Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter.  In truth, after researching, apparently this film was meant to be a black comedy.  I can see that, but if you want to watch a black comedy with cannibalism as the main theme then I would suggest watching The Last Supper (1995).

Ravenous is set around the Mexican American war where a soldier is sent to California because he won't eat his steak.  Actually it's because he laid down on the battle field and played dead.  He wasn't court-martialed though because he later captured an enemy base all on his own.  So he's the bi-polar soldier.

So our shell-shocked zero arrives at the camp in California where we get our introduction to the other people stationed there.  This is a quick montage of guys either being drunk, getting high, or in one case standing shirtless in a river and screaming like a wild man.  This screaming guys' hair is super bleached too which makes me think an old time Walgreens must've been close by.

A stranger eventually drifts into the camp at night, they rescue him, and he tells a story of trying to cross the U.S. and the group being stuck in a cave for the winter.  They have a Donner style party and cannibalism ensues.  This guy supposedly leaves/escapes and ended up at the camp.  One of the Native Americans at the camp then tells the story of how Wendigos are created via cannibalism.  I was hoping for an awesome monster transformation at this point.  I was let down, horribly, and the only real monster was me for watching this film.

I've reached the point of not caring here so he's the speed run version:  The story was a lie, the guy kills almost everyone, our protagonist escapes but has to eat some of screaming river guy in the process.  After a time another regiment comes in and is lead by the stranger in military clothes.  Our zero freaks out and knows it's the cannibal.  They end up having a conversation about how eating another person's flesh will heal all woulds and basically grant a form of immortality.  Almost everyone is then killed and we're left with our zero, the stranger, and the old leader of the camp that was given man meat to eat so he didn't die.  I hope he was fed the butthole because this movie is a fucking turd.

Our zero kills the old leader because he doesn't want to continue being an immortal cannibal.  Apparently living for another week was enough for him.  After zero kills him then he fights with the stranger and that leads up to them both getting trapped in the biggest bear trap to ever exist.  The stranger dies first and our zero chooses to die rather than eat the stranger and live.  In the end, you truly were a man of valor, you dick nose.  I promote you to Sergeant Boner Kill.

This wasn't a horror movie despite Netflix saying it was.  This wasn't a good movie despite the rating of three and four-fifths stars Netflix had for it.  I want that hour and 40 minutes of my life back!  Who's ass cheek do I have to eat to get that back from Wendigo-ism.  If you want to watch a movie with cannibalism then watch The Last Supper, or Cannibal The Musical, or Cannibal Holocaust, not this shit.

I give Ravenous zero cannibal forks out of five:

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