Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Day 7: Joyride 3: Roadkill (2014) 1h 35min

 I hadn't seen Joyride 1 or 2 but I don't feel like I'm missing any grand backstory.  My fiancĂ© attempted a few times to assure me that Joyride 1 is somewhat decent and had Paul Walker in it.  This movie was not decent and Paul Walker is super dead, which is a step beyond normal dead because there's that supposed ghost picture of him.

The only way I can describe Joyride 3 is based on the fact that I said "this is dumb" about 30 times while watching this movie.  Here's the entire summery:

- Route 17 has a murderous psycho trucker by the CB handle Rusty Nail
- Rusty kills people
- A lot of fucking people
- Dumb kid fucks with him while driving with friends
- Rusty uses the trucker dark net to track the plates
- Rusty uses normal Google to find out tons of info on them
- He kills a bunch of them except for two
- His rig gets crushed in a car compactor (kind of)
- OMGWTFBBQ! Where's his body?!
- Of course he's still alive

That's it.  I can't even go into deep detail because that's the fucking movie!  There are two scenes that are noteworthy though.  First is the beginning where it instantly starts with a girl smoking meth.  She then starts having the most awkward sex with her meth head boyfriend which I can only describe as, well... I can't put it into words, but maybe this picture will do it:

It was like this, but she had less facial hair and more meth.

She lasts all of 30 seconds before she wants more meth but they're out.  Meth head logic dictates they will attempt to rob a trucker of their meth and/or money and buy meth.  Insert Rusty who fucking wrecks their day and chains them to his truck.  He then tapes the biggest bag of meth to his windshield and tells them if they can hang on to the truck for one mile, he'll let them go and give them the drugs.  If one of them slips though, the chains will catch in his drive shaft and pull them under the truck.

I never thought I would be rooting for meth addicts.

So they make it the mile, but Rusty is still driving a bit.  The girl, a pillar of good judgment, decides she's going to try to grab the bag of meth before the truck stops.  There is no logic here as she is definitely not going to be able to smoke any of it right now so fuck her, I'm done rooting for your junkie ass to survive.  I now want blood, and like AC/DC sang, "If you want blood, you got it!"  Her move makes her boyfriend get sucked under the truck and she quickly follows.  We're treated to Rusty's semi driving away with assorted scattered body parts left on Route 17.  Meth... not even once. (This PSA brought to you by Paul Walker's ghost!)

The other memorable scene is when Rusty's semi hits a cop car and perfectly cuts it in half and makes it explode all at the same time.  Try to understand, he's a magic man.  Not really, but holy fuck did I laugh really loud at 1am when this scene happened.

This movie was awful on a different level because it was, what I assume, a formula at this point, and the formula just didn't work.  This film also has some of the worst music I've ever heard.  The first Twilight movie has some super shit music, but this was pretty fucking bad too.  They did at lest make a Large Marge reference in this film, which will be my rating scale for this film.

I give Joyride 3: Roadkill one Large Marge out of five, and it's only because of how hard I laughed at that one part:

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