Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Day 8: Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (2015) 1h 33min

Sharknado 3 is set in some sort of horrible hell universe where Ann Coulter is the VP and she surfs down a staircase full of sharks on a painting of George Washington while Mark McGrath surfs one of a pensive Abe Lincoln.

That's an actual scene in this movie.  It's fucking real.  Someone thought of it, someone made it happen.  How do we, as a civilization, move forward from here?  You know where we move?  Universal Studios, then fucking space!

This has the most b-list actors and politicians ever.  Aside from the two above there's more such as Lou Ferrigno (who does say "you wouldn't like me when I'm angry"), Frankie Muniz, Jedward, and Chris Jericho.  I was praying Chris Jericho would put a shark in the Walls of Jericho, but instead he ends up jobbing to the shark.  In Y2J's defense, the shark was eating him at the time but I think he could've kicked out of it.

I can't even describe this movie.  I can't.  There's too much shit going on at all times.  My only legit criticisms of this movie are as follows:

- In the beginning there's a seagull on screen and they use a pigeon noise.  Fuck you! I know the difference!
- The theme song over the credits is the worst Ramones rip-off I've ever heard.
- SyFy's CGI is still terrible looking
- This isn't really a horror movie anymore, more of an action-AU type thing.

...and that's it.

I saw the first one years ago just for the sake of seeing it and thought it was goofy but not too bad.  This shit is just over the top the entire time, but in that "this movie is so bad it's amazing!"  Kind of like the music of Ronnie James Dio.  It's cheesy, but that's what makes it great.  Also, Dio would fight a dragon on stage with a plugged in light-up sword, and Fin here fights sharks in space with a dual bladed laser chainsaw...  Same shit, different day.

I give Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! three Frankie Muniz out of five.

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