Thursday, June 30, 2016

Day 22: Visions (2015) 1h 22m

Did you ever see that one Sandra Bullock movie?  She only made one movie, right?  For real though, did you ever see Premonition?  I did, the ending was hilarious but the rest of the movie was a bucket of fuck.  So why am I talking about Premonition when the heading up there says "Visions?"  It's because Premonition kind of had the same premise, but it was done better.  I feel dirty after saying that.

Visions revolves around a woman who moved with her husband from L.A. to a vineyard a year after she was in a car accident.  Once present in the vineyard she starts to see crazy things such as a person in a hood or wine bottles explode when those things aren't happening.  Juggling these weird visions and her pregnancy makes her eventually leave the house for her safety.  Her husband and her doctor (Sheldon from Big Bang Theory) chalk it up to hormones, as a man does...

Eventually everything starts to click and the visions were from one specific night in which something terrible was going to happen.  She realizes that it's that night but it's after she has returned to the house thinking her husband was going to leave with her.  Two friends enter the house under the pretense of the female's water having broke and she won't make it to the hospital in time.  The truth is that the laboring woman is actually the woman in the other car from the accident I mentioned above.  Her baby died in that accident so she tracked down our main woman, found out she was pregnant, and then planned to cut the baby out and steal it.  Chalk it up to hormones?

This leads to a sweet throat cutting scene where the crazy lady gets killed.  That was the high point of the film.  Everything else was kind of lame.  There is a bunch of folk magic and fetishes that our main lady keeps finding, but the only explanation to any of it that we get is when she confronts one of the worker's wives and says it's to keep the evil one or dark one away. I can't remember which, but our lady makes that face/head tilt a dog does when you ask him something and he has no fucking clue what you said.  I feel that way after watching this movie too.  A perpetual state of "whaaaaaaaa?"

I give Visions 1 adorable pug doing the head tilt out of 5:

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Day 21: Rubber (2010) 1h 22m

Sometimes you really want something, and you hope and hope and hope that it'll happen.  I was doing that with Rubber.  I was hoping and hoping that this would come up at some point in doing this blog.  Every time I would pass it I felt this want, this desire, to see this film with a murder tire just to understand it.  Why did you haunt me tire?!  WHHHHHYYYYYY?

In truth, 2010's Rubber isn't really meant to be understood.  The very first thing we're treated to is a speech about how some things are really nothing and there is no real reason for why certain things happen or exist in film.  It's a good way to set the entire concept of a sentient tire that either has a psychokinesis or maybe a sound/air pressure ability to make things explode.  I don't recall if it gets explained.

After our speech we are introduced to the "audience."  They are literally a group of spectators that are part of the movie, but watching the movie and commenting on it from a hilltop.  All but one are poisoned but the movie is only allowed to end once they're all dead.  So the film continues.

I think that if this film attempted to be serious, it would fail terribly.  Instead, they knew exactly what they were doing.  They were making a film about a murder tire, and so they had fun with it.  They do a great job of making the tire have these horror movie moments, such as being in a shower to scare a maid.  For what it was, I liked it.  It wasn't amazing, I'm not running out to buy it, but I enjoyed it and I'll tell other people to watch it at least once, just to watch it.

I give Rubber 3 Road Kill Cafe menus out of 5:

Tuesday, June 28, 2016

Day 20: Dark Summer (2015) 1h 21m

Few things are weirder than watching a movie set around a guy that is on house arrest for cyber stalking and realizing the actor kind of resembles your ex.  Well, not your ex, my ex.  Which wouldn't be weird for you, unless you knew him too.  It makes it weirder because I wonder if he could cyber stalk someone... oh god!  He could be doing it right now! WooooOOOOOOOOoooooo!  That should be read as a spooky ghost noise, not some sort of cheer.

Dark Summer follows Daniel on his post cyber crime/ankle bracelet probation.  After getting his friends to bury a router in the neighbors yard (which, fuck you, that wouldn't work) he ends up getting a Skype call from the girl he was stalking and she kills herself on camera.  From here Daniel begins to have these episodes which could be chalked up to craziness, but you actually find out it's because the girl cast a love spell on him which caused the start of his obsession.  This entire film is a set-up for the spirit of the girl trying to come back to be with Daniel.

That's probably the easiest and shortest description of an entire film I've ever done, but that's it.  There's nothing too interesting.  The ghost related scenes aren't super great and the spellwork was dumb.  The only thing that made me have any feelings during this movie was when the best-friend/secret crush of Daniel gave him a jar full of 1000 paper stars and the ghost breaks it.  Fuck that ghost girl.  Fuck Daniel.  Fuck this movie.

I give Dark Summer 1 jar of stars out of 5:

Day 19: Creep (2014) 1h 17m

I think that if you ever go to a cabin, way deep in the woods, no matter how nice it is, if there's a brand new axe sitting in a stump outside then that's your sign that your shit is gonna get wrecked.  Also if Mark Duplass keeps jumping out at you all day, you're gonna get wrecked.

So Netflix felt that I didn't have enough shaky-cam faux real life films and gifted me with 2014's Creep.  Creep is not only written by Mark Duplass and Patrick Brice, but they are the only two actors in it.  Also, this is supposedly the first of a trilogy.  Nothing against Mark and Patrick, but this film didn't really make me want to watch two more.

The premise is simple enough: Mark hires Patrick to come and film him during the day.  Mark says he has a tumor and wants to have a video of himself for his unborn child in case he doesn't survive.  Mark seems a bit off from the start but you kind of chalk it up to one of those "I'm gonna die so every second is precious" type mentalities.

Over time Mark gets weirder and weirder to Patrick, who stays way longer than he ever should have.  After a confrontation between the two we loose the camera shot and the film seems done.  Instead we shift the focus of the camera over to Patrick who explains what happened and continues a video diary of all the crazy shit Mark keeps sending him such as a DVD of Mark digging a fake grave, or a locket with their pictures and initials.

The rest of the film continues with this until the "whatever" ending.  I'm kind of done doing this review, and I'm kind of done with this film.  I'm not saying it was badly done, it was just boring and not super original.

I give Creep 2 copies of The League out of 5:

Monday, June 27, 2016

Day 18: Would You Rather (2012) 1h 33m

Oh god!  That fucking poster... I don't even know what the onamonapia would be to describe the internal wretch that my body did when I first saw this.  The noise for me watching this movie though is a solid "meeeehhhhhhhhhh."

Would You Rather is exactly what you think it is.  Rich douche bags assemble a group of individuals under the pretense of giving them money for simply playing a game.  We're not aware of why each player is assembled except for one girl named Iris.  She is playing to be able to get her brother a bone marrow transplant so he won't die.  The game itself is an extreme version where they go around the table with the violent dares until each round ends.  Someone does cut their eye with a razor.  Fuck that scene because not much makes me squirm but, goddamn man!

At its core, this is just another torture porn film.  Giving people the option to choose doesn't take away from that fact.  It just makes your villain more evil.  They try too hard to make Iris overly "human" in this, and the "shock" at the very end becomes all too obvious because of this fact.  I really didn't give a fuck about any of the characters in this, even Iris.  The bad guys made me hate them, but everyone else was just flat.

I give Would You Rather 1 hilarious looking dude bending a sjambok out of 5:

Sunday, June 26, 2016

Day 17: Archivo 253 (2015) 1h 19m

I was listing things in my head that irk me about "found footage" films, and I think the number one thing that really bugs me is who the fuck finds these cameras or tapes or whatever and survives with them? Most of the films end with a camera falling as someone is getting killed. So why don't the people that "find" the footage get killed too?

Archivo 253 followed the found footage format list bit by bit. We have a creepy location with a abandoned mental hospital where they not only did hydrotherapy and ECT, but exorcisms! We have a group of four 20-somethings that like to go and hunt ghosts. We have a ton of night vision camera footage. There is the obligatory jump scare early on where it was something that isn't supernatural. Finally, when we do see what the evil spirit or creature thing is, it is only for a split second. Spoilers on this, it looks kind of like Gollum from LoTR. I was unimpressed

Actually, I was unimpressed with this whole movie. Part of me wants to like it, but there really wasn't anything to hook me. I've seen a lot of these films. Hell, I saw The Blair Witch Project when it came out in theatres... twice! And Archivo 253 was really just a by-the-book horror film. I crave something new with this sub-genre of horror! Found footage at this point really only works well with things like the V/H/S films where it's a combination of short films put together. That way I don't have to deal with over an hour of your bullshit repetitive plot lines!

Also, what the fuck is the deal with the hair in this film? Did I miss something with the subtitles?! There is a gross fucking cistern full of hair and then their room looks like someone dumped a barber shop trash bag on the floor! Google yielded nothing, so I want it explained to me! Now! I demand it! It's fucking gross! He touched the sewer hair and picked it up! I'm done. Mexico can keep this fucking movie!

I give Archivo 253 1 video camera out of 5:

Friday, June 24, 2016

Day 16: Burying the Ex (2014) 1h 29m

Keeping the horror/comedy train rolling is 2014's Burying the Ex.  While I can't place my finger on it, this film reminded me a lot of John Dies at the End.  I thought it could be something like they shared a director, but that's not the case.  In fact, the only thing Burying the Ex's director did that I care about is five episodes of the TV show Eerie Indiana back in the day.  I hope they have that on Netflix.  I'll binge watch the shit out of that tomorrow if they do!

Burying the Ex has a plot on par with pre-Comic Code horror comics.  Evelyn, the girlfriend of our main character Max, makes a promise to love Max forever while standing next to some Satan Genie thing which apparently has real magical powers.  Evelyn gets hit by a bus and dies but returns from the grave to be an even crazier person than she was in real life.  In the meantime, Max was going to break up with her when she got hit by the bus and has since moved on to a much cooler girl that makes ice cream with horror themed names.  She made a Fruit Brute ice cream for satan's sake!  Who wouldn't love a girl like that?!  Well, I guess gay men.  That's the obvious answer there.

You can kind of guess what's going to happen during this with an undead ex and a new cooler girlfriend.  Over all I really liked this film.  I even recommended it to my fiancé because I figured he'd like it too.  I recommend it to you too if you like horror/comedy movies.

I give Burying the Ex 3 IDKWTF this stockphoto is out of 5:

Thursday, June 23, 2016

Day 15: Out of the Dark (Wui wan yeh) (1995) 1h 26m

I've stated it before, and I'll state it again: I fucking love Troma films.  And while China is a long way from New Jersey, 1995's Out of the Dark is probably the closest thing to a non-Troma Troma film I've seen.  Kudos to you China!

Our primary location is an apartment complex where an older woman died, apparently via shady means.  Her ghost begins possessing a small child and then other individuals in the building.  Enter character number two (after the ghost, not the child) in a teenage punk-ish girl.  She does the best "I'm gonna air guitar and head bang but not know what the fuck I'm doing" scene with our main character.  On that note, our main character is referred to as a "ghostbuster" throughout the film but is really just an escaped mental patient that apparently knows how to deal with the supernatural.  Throw in some bumbling cops/security and you've got yourself a film.

Much like Troma films there are a lot of sexual and borderline offensive moments mixed in with cheesy exaggerated humor.  Honestly though, I have a second tab open on my browser right now to see how much a copy is from Amazon (spoilers: the blu-ray new is $61 and the DVDs are region locked).  I'm not saying this is the best film ever, but as far as my tastes go, I thought it was fantastic for what it was.

I give Out of the Dark 4 potted plants out of 5:

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Day 14: Comforting Skin (2011) 1h 49m

I completely forgot the name of this movie and it took me twenty minutes of random word combinations of things I remembered from this film before I found it via Google.  Try searching "movie" and "tattoo" in the same query and finding something that isn't The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.  Also, yes, I did do "-dragon" in my options and still came up with bullshit... 20 minute of bullshit.

Speaking of bullshit, Comforting Skin was a really cool concept, some really well executed CGI, and decent acting, but a fucking bummer when it came to the plot and story.  Our primary character is a girl named Koffie that is dealing with her own emotional instability and feelings of loneliness.  In an act of establishing her self identity she gets a bad tattoo on her shoulder blade.  Eventually the tattoo begins to move and flow across her skin and speak to her.  They establish a relationship of sorts but the tattoo becomes jealous and emotionally manipulative, eventually causing Koffie to break down.  You're also never quite sure if it's all in her head or the tattoo really is talking to her.

Truthfully, my assumption is that the tattoo represents a relationship with an unstable partner.  After first everything seems new, exciting, and fulfilling, but after time the darkness rears its ugly head things like jealousy, anger, and emotional blackmail exist if the partner is a shitty person.  This has become way too psychoanalytic for this movie, but it's just a thought.

I will say that my biggest gripe though was the fact that they had to have done no research on proper tattoo care.  I'm covered in ink, and I know that they tell you not to take a bath, go swimming, or submerge your tattoo for at least 2-3 weeks.  A few days after she got her tattoo she's lying in the bath.  I don't care if your bullshit flash tattoo came to life, that shit would be wrecked!  Also stop wearing dresses with straps that rub directly over the tattoo because you want people to see it!

I give Comforting Skin 1 Cherry Creek hobo clown flash tattoo out of 5:

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

Day 13: At the Devil's Door (2014) 1h 31m

While recapping this film to my fiancé, I explained it as a slow hand job where they don't finish you off; it would be better if they just sped up a bit, and you're totally let down by the "ending."

At the Devil's Door jumps a bit between two time lines.  One time line is the modern day and revolves around one woman and then, later, her sister.  The other is set in the past and involves a teenage girl going to some form of something, I'm not sure.  He might have been a psychic, or a satanist, or just a shitty stage magician talking out of his ass.  Either way, he tells her that she has been chosen and to say her name at a crossroads so "he" knows it when he calls her.  In this case "he" means the devil.

Early on we're treated to some creepy quick or out of focus shots of the devil.  There's one that is a jump scare where we get the best look.  I wasn't impressed.  I've seen enough weird anime to know he's gonna be like some muscle bear or something.  Bara satan!

The girl in the past kills herself and we get a ghost/demon possessed version in the present.  The devil kind of jumps from her to the later sister and impregnates her and puts her in a coma so she carries the baby to term.  This is a huge jump in the story but the movie was really not telling me anything interesting.  We do a jump to six years later, the sister goes to her demon daughter's adopted family's home (that's too many adjectives/possessive nouns) to call satan out on his shit.  Literally, she's sitting with a six year old and saying stuff like "I know who you really are!"  She then chases the girl with a knife but in the end takes her as her daughter and they leave.  I can't really explain it because I checked the fuck out a while ago with this film.

This movie might be okay, but I stopped caring to see anything good in it.

I give At the Devil's Door 1 devil from Legend out of 5:

Monday, June 20, 2016

Day 12: The Seasoning House (2012) 1h 30m

The Seasoning House isn't really a horror movie, unless it is meant to show us the horrors of how terrible humanity can be.  The movie revolves around kidnapped girls in a military run area that are then drugged and sex trafficked.  The main character is a deaf girl that "takes care" of the girls.

That's all I'm writing.  I'm not going to attempt to make any jokes about something this real.  It was uncomfortable to watch, so I feel that this movie probably accomplished what it really set out to do.

I give The Seasoning House 2 stars out of 5 for brutal honesty:

Day 11: Big Ass Spider! (a.k.a. Mega Spider) (2013) 1h 20m

I don't even know where to start with this one.  I'm not just saying that as the usual vague statement someone makes when they really do know where they're starting.  I truthfully have two thoughts with this: that cover of Where Is My Mind? was really good, and Lloyd Kaufman was in this film!  That's it!  Alright, fuck it, here goes!

Let me preface this with the statement that this is a comedy/horror film.

Big Ass Spider takes place in LA when a mistake leads to a body bag with an accidental experimental spider inside of the cadaver's chest cavity being delivered to a hospital.  Coincidentally, it's the same hospital that an exterminator that specializes in spiders is being treated in for a spider bite.  The military shows up to try and recapture or kill the spider.  As the spider eats it grows larger, and its web is super strong and sticky.  Also it spits acid for some reason.  I don't know.  Fuckin' Mortal Kombat villain over here...

Eventually the spider reaches "big ass spider" size, wrecks a ton of L.A., but the exterminator eventually shoots a bazooka round up it's spinneret and the thing explodes.  The end.  I can't really say too much about this.  It wasn't a bad film, I enjoyed it, it just wasn't wowing.  It is what it is: A movie called Big Ass Spider! that was a cheezy horror comedy.

I give Big Ass Spider! 2 Spader-man figures out of 5:

Sunday, June 19, 2016

Day 10: Beneath (2007) 1h 22m

Probably the only thing that causes my body to clench, aside from seeing "A Syfy Original," is seeing "MTV movie."  So after seeing this I sat on my couch and braced for impact.  Luckily the plane righted itself and I was treated to a comfortable flight.

Beneath reminded me a bit of Twin Peaks.  Our main gal pal tends to have "black out" episodes where she continually returns to the same section of the house she used to live in.  She also sketches things from this dreams or moments and during the course of the film they start to sync up with real life events.  How does this remind me of Twin Peaks?  The continuous return made me think of the red room Agent Cooper kept going to in his sleep.  At one point I expected the girl in the scene to turn around and talk backwards.  The sketches don't relate but it's part of the story.  I'm writing a blog, not a dissertation.

Christy, our main character, returns home after being put in a mental treatment facility.  At age 14 Christy caused an auto accident that lead to her sister being trapped in the car and then burned by the car catching fire.  I have no clue why the car caught fire... or more specifically why the back seat caught on fire, before being engulfed in flames.  Her sister lived but was disfigured and receiving treatment from her boyfriend/local big shot hospital doctor.  Eventually her sister dies and Christy freaks out at the funeral home after hearing her sister and screams about her being alive.  This sets the plot as Christy believes her sister was buried alive.  You know what?  She was kind of half right but not really!

My chief complaint is that this movie blows it's load too early and you figure out what is actually going on.  On the plus side, this movie's pacing was so fast that time flew by while watching it.

I give Beneath 2 sketches of a rad dog out of 5:

Friday, June 17, 2016

Day 9: Day Watch (2006) 2h 12m

I fell like Netflix needs to add a disclaimer before sequels that states that something has a predecessor.  Sure, things with numbers such as Friday the 13th Part 3, or Halloween 2, let you know that you're skipping ahead, but a little help sometimes would be good.  Especially since I really wish I would have seen the first film in this series to understand everything a bit better.

Day Watch is the sequel to the Russian horror film Night Watch.  I'm sure you're saying "no shit" to that tidbit, but I felt the need to say it.  Aside from the absurd length of this (being that it's a modern film), my chief complaint was just that I was treated to a wonderful recap of Night Watch all in English, but then all of Day Watch was in Russian.  With the subtitles for this film taking on some playful and artistic twists, I wish the whole thing would've been in Russian with English subtitles.  Maybe I'm being nitpicky while looking for something to complain about.

The overall world was set in a combination of our reality mixed with magic and supernatural creatures.  I hesitate to use the term "vampire" here (even though the film does) because they aren't your run of the mill vampires.  I really need to watch the first film to get the whole story.  What I do know is that there is a sense of "light" and "dark" within the two vampire groups and each patrols the other.

As for the magic, there are your typical witch characters, but also a story of the Chalk of Fate which takes an eventual center stage.  With the Chalk one is able to change events and rewrite history... with some small restrictions.  The story telling of the Chalk is one of my favorite parts of the movie becauseit could have been ripped from any Mike Mignola comic.

I know this review is shorter than most.  Truthfully I feel I need the whole story.  If I sat through a 2+ hour movie, in Russian, then just know it was a good film.  Not quite in my top tier, but a good film nonetheless.

I give Day Watch a solid 3 Gorbachev birth marks out of 5:

Thursday, June 16, 2016

Day 8: Vampire In Brooklyn (1995) 1h 40m

As a kid I thought this movie was okay.  I'm sure I initially watched it on the USA network or something random like that, but as an adult I wasn't sure this would hold up.  Now, I'm very much a white guy, but like most rural/suburb white kids I grew up watching stuff like Martin, In Living Color, Living Single, and really liking those shows.  They don't hold up well now because I could fake identify with them then, but living in cities for my adult life has made me not relate to them at all... plus Fire Marshall Bill is pretty fucking dumb.

So with adolescent flashbacks out of the way, I was fucking floored when Wes Craven came up as the directing credit for this!  Most of the time everyone thinks of Nightmare on Elm Street or Scream, but never fucking Vampire In Brooklyn!  The more surprising thing is that this is meant to be more of an "urban" horror film, and it pulls it off well for the mid-90's.  I will say that the characters are a bit stereotypical, and while I love John Witherspoon, the man only has one fucking character he plays in every film.

What we get with Vampire In Brooklyn is a good backstory of vampires originating in Egypt, but later being scattered to Eastern Europe and even the New World.  That I can buy.  Eddie Murphy's accent as a vampire... not so much.  We get a typical vampire movie plot of he wants a specific girl and does everything in his power to get her.  Rather than a Renfield we get Kadeem Hardison becoming Eddie's "ghoul" and rotting/falling apart the whole time.  He's no Tom Waits, I'll tell you that... but it's also how the character is written in this.

I was behind Eddie Murphy in this film until, as my notes so masterfully describe, "Fuck Eddie Murphy dog exploder," and "Killed a cat."  Yeah, at one point Eddie looks at a police dog and sparks appear under the dog as he shoots into the air and dies in water some 50-yards away.  He also disguises himself as a shitty ganster wanna be and shoots a cat.  It's weird.  Chainsaw people in half, torture them, make them eat their own butt raw, whatever; I'm fine with that.  You "kill" an animal and you're instantly a scumfuck.  Maybe I'm the real monster after all...

So bringing it back to did this film hold up?  Sure, it was actually still good. If I were going to recommend an urban horror film though, this wouldn't be the top on my list.  That goes to Bones.  Honestly, Snoop and that crew did a good job of making a modern version of classic Italian horror... urban classic Italian horror?  urban horror Italian classic?  Unlimited salad and bread sticks?

I give Vampire In Brooklyn 3 copies of Delirious out of 5:

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Day 7: The Brainiac (1962) 1h 17m

Tagged as "the most bizarre horror movie," 1962's The Brainiac is a Mexican masterpiece of b-movies.  This film needs to put on a Luchador mask and become a folk hero for a small village.  It's that kind of movie.

We kick things off on 1661 (or IGGI as the choice of typeface for this info was butt).  A man is being tried for heresy, necromancy, and all the other things that good metal albums are written about.  While laughing off the list of tortures they attempted on him, his hooded judges eventually send him to be burned at the stake.  Before he gets lit up we get to look at a blurry painting of what a five-year-old thinks a comet looks like, over and over again.  He then says that in 300 years he will return to kill the ancestors of the judges and proceeds to call out each of their names, even though their identities are hidden.  From there it's a tiny model of a bonfire that is really close to the camera while the rest of the people are in the background.

Fast forward those 300 years, because fuck history of anything, and another comet is seen in the sky.  A professor and some amateur astronomers look through a super powered telescope to find it.  Then the amateurs go outside with what might as well be a paper towel roll and see the comet ten times as big over the city!  The comet becomes a foam stone on a string and gently sets down outside the city before transforming into a space monster.  Why a space monster?  I don't know.  Maybe our crispy strip from the past was into the X-files.

So he eats part of a guys brain with a snake tongue to the back of the neck, and then turns into a Mexican man.  I feel like this is how certain political candidates see the Mexican people.  You know who I'm talking about.  Eh! EH!

The rest of the movie is a series of awkward transformations and poorly executed Dracula eye lighting.  On top of that, probably 75% of scenes are someone walking toward a photo backdrop.  He also just has a bowl of brains he occasionally eats out of and hides it in the worst places ever!  I don't really get how his powers work either.  It might be hypnotizing but it might be some alien power, maybe it's the CIA, I have no clue.  There is a train of revenge murders and some bootleg proton packs that are apparently flame throwers and that's the end of our moon necromancer from the year IGGI!

I love bad horror movies, so if I were going to give this a rating as far as the artistic merit and storytelling, then it would be a fat round zero.  However, I give this a rating based on what I thought of it...

I give The Brainiac a solid 3 tin foil hats out of 5:

Tuesday, June 14, 2016

Day 6: Event Horizon (1997) 1h 36m

Infinite Space.  Infinite things that this movie reminded me of...  I didn't see it when it came out, but my main comment on this whole film is "Holy fuck is this movie super 90's!"

Event Horizon looked like someone watched a bunch of Nine Inch Nails videos and then decided to set them in space.  Also, within the first 10 minutes I had already created a list of things, related to this movie, that I would rather be doing.  These include: Watching Alien, playing Doom, listening to The Downward Spiral... you get the point

Our basic premise is that the dude from Jurassic Park built the spaceship the Event Horizon.  After not hearing anything from the crew there is another group, lead by Laurence Fishburne, which set out to do recon.  Upon arrival everyone begins to experience hellish hallucinations.  These range from a woman seeing her child with horrible burns on his legs, to our JP star reliving his wife's suicide.  All of this lead into the reveal that the ship has has a device on it which might as well be the lament configuration from Hellraiser.  It sucked the old crew into another dimension of torture and pain (like Hellraiser) and then returned.

In the interest of full disclosure, I fell asleep with 10 minutes left in this movie.  It wasn't a bad film by any means, it was just a bit slow in the pacing.  I did go back and watch the ending of the film later, but I have the feeling of "Eh, I watched it... I'm good."

I give Event Horizon 2 copies of The Downward Spiral out of 5:

Monday, June 13, 2016

Day 5: The Blood Lands (a.k.a. White Settlers) (2014) 1h 19m

You know what isn't a totally new idea?  Home invasion movies where the invaders wear animal masks!  Guess what this film has?

The Blood Lands (originally known as "White Settlers" for some reason I can't comprehend since these are white people going to white land) focuses on an English couple that moves into a home in the Scotland countryside.  I thought I recognized the actress from the British comedy Coupling, but it wasn't her.  Many sad faces should go here.  The guy's big credit was Tutor 4 in Billy Elliot the film.  I just heavy sighed while typing that.  It's a sigh of severe disappointment.

In the night, the couple is attacked by a bunch of men wearing some really good pig masks.  Where in the hell does one find such a well made pig mask in the middle of fuck all Scotland?!  Our invaders are Scottish nationalists (not so much the skinhead oi oi kind of nationalists, but more the hooligan national pride kind of nationalists... actually... they're almost the same).  Their goal isn't to kill our protagonists but rather scare them, drive them to a city in England, and leave them bound in a random park.  That's it.  The only actual kill comes from the woman smashing a guy's face with a 2x4.

About 20 minutes into this film I stopped caring.  It was slow, the main guy is an asshole, and the overall concept was something I've seen a million times.  The only change was the ending, which was anti-climactic.  Don't waste your time on this.  Either my fiancé or I thought this was going to be good at some point and added it to our "to watch" list on Netflix.  I immediately took it off our list.  I took that bullet so he won't have to!  That's love.  That's real fuckin'  from the heart love...

I give The Blood Lands 0 rain boot wearing teacup pigs out of 5:

Monday, June 6, 2016

Day 4: Here Comes the Devil (Ahí va el Diablo) (2012) 1h 37m

Returning back to our continent and our neighbors to the south, Here Comes the Devil is a Mexican horror film in which I couldn't give two shits about after watching this.  The pacing was slow and added nothing of suspense to it.  The story was boring as hell.  The acting was fine in it, so I can't fault anyone there.  However, rather than my usual "I'll explain this film so you don't have to watch it," tactic I take with bad films, I'm just going to type up my notes for it so you can hopefully create a better film in your head.  Some of this would make good book titles.  Here we go!

Instant lesbians!
Naked whaaa?
Is this gonna be weird incest?
Did the devil bang her?
Is that the Mexican Captain Spalding?
You can't be a badass w/a filet knife
That's not the same knife
That's not how throats work
Wait. WTF was the point of that lesbian scene?!
If "Lucio" is lucifer, fuck this shit
I wish this woman had a sweet mustache too
Ewww weird satanic incest
Wait, real kids are dead
Party clothes? Church trap?
Did she fart on the fake child?!
Ah, fuck this movie!
Satan can't drive for shit!
Why grindcore now?!

The end.  I don't know why a movie with almost no music aside from atmosphere instrumentation suddenly had fucking metal growling over the credits.  I guess they figured they dropped the Satan ball on the 1-yard line and needed to pick it up somehow to score.

Here Comes the Devil gets 0 devil lotería cards out of 5:

Saturday, June 4, 2016

Day 3: Rigor Mortis (2013) 1h 43m

I have a love of horror films from Asian countries.  I've seen a few that have been really awful, and some American attempts at copying that style that have failed miserably!  However, Rigor Mortis was a solid C-horror (that's Chinese horror, not C-grade horror) film that does an excellent mix of vampires, ghosts, and magic in a way I haven't seen in a long time.

Focusing on Chin, an ex-actor that moves into an apartment building after his wife apparently left with his child, we're treated to a cast of provocative characters.  There's Yau who comes from a line of vampire hunters, but since vampires have long died out he is merely a cook.  Gau is a dark magic practitioner that exists with everyone else but is called on to help bring a man (Tung) back to life by his wife (Aunti Mui).  Finally there is Pak, the small boy, and Yeung, his mentally traumatized mother.  Chin's apartment 2442 once housed a murder followed by a suicide, and after his own suicide attempt causes one of the spirits to attempt a possession, the supernatural elements come out of the woodwork.

The ghost twins in this film are as stunning as any macabre spirit you find in Asian cinema.  Their presence is enhanced by the dramatic CGI elements encircling them.  The vampire is straight out of Chinese lore; gliding just above the ground with both arms straight out.  The fight scenes are vivid and dynamically filmed.  Couple that with martial arts and mysticism and they make this almost two hour film grip you until the credits roll.  Seriously, I loved this film from the moment the suicide/possession scene started.

Surprisingly, according to IMDB, this film did not do well State-side with the reviewers.  Well, fuck 'em!  Watch this film if you like foreign horror and don't mind subtitles.  There might be a dubbed version, but c'mon... subs are bullshit!

I give Rigor Mortis 3 Chinese vampire table-top miniatures out of 5:

Friday, June 3, 2016

Day 2: Curse of Chucky (2013) 1h 37m

Normally, when you reach the 6th film in a horror series you're expecting it to be awful.  Truthfully, the only terrible thing about Curse of Chucky is that it was a straight-to-DVD release.  Sure, the last few films were overly campy and comedic, but Curse of Chucky returned to its horror roots and deserved a shot on the big screen.

At this point everyone should be familiar with the Good Guys doll known as Chucky.  The doll is possessed by the spirit of a serial killer (Charles Lee Ray) that used the Vodou diety Danbala/Damballa to transfer his soul and escape death.  He then spends the movies killing people and attempting to transfer his soul into a child.

Curse of Chucky keeps this overall premise but through the addition of skillful camera work, good acting (even from the child), and the doll being made to have an extra frightening look make this film tower over the rest.  I could go on about how much I loved the new doll design.  The eyes of it looked human, sometimes having veins or dilating pupils.  They also create a total change in the face from when it's just a possessed and from when Chucky is in full control.

The writers of this film also chose to expand the back story of Charles Lee Ray, right up to his soul transfer into the Good Guys doll in the first film.  They also throw in nods to the last five films, acknowledging them as cannon, but not dwelling on them to keep the focus on this film.

I was honestly blown away with how much I liked this film.  I really like the first Child's Play.  I was a kid when it came out and was piss-my-pants scared of the entire concept   Curse of Chucky made me remember why I was scared of that film as a kid.  I'm not saying this is cinema brilliance, but fuck was this a good horror film.

I give Curse of Chucky 4 Good Guys dolls out of 5:

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Day 1: Zombie Hunter (2013) 1h 33min

Sometimes people take two ideas, mash them together, and create magic.  Peanut butter cups are that kind of magic.  Zombie Hunter is not that kind of magic.  It's more like cereal and milk that have been sitting for a long time.  Two things could be great together, but you went and fucked it up!

One part Road Warrior, one part Planet Terror, and a dash of Machete.  A combo that would be awesome except it seems that director and editor seemed to had no real background with grindhouse style films.  Add the fact that your characters are tropes like horny teenage 20-something, burly redneck guy, girl next door, older father/grandpa type, and a girl named "Fast Lane" Debbie... well... you know where this is going.

Zombies exist because of a drug called "natas" (Satan backwards if you didn't notice that).  We find this out because of the polite stripper-looking news anchor on channel 44.    After a very long vomit scene with her co-anchor, which the news camera films all of in close-up, we're given this filler-ish backstory about things revolving around some drug users.  The only redeeming part of this scene is that they made a fake Blek Le Rat graffiti piece in the background.

From there we get introduced to our Australian actor, driving a souped up black sports car, and wearing a leather jacket.  Known only as "Hunter," this is our main character.  Not Danny Trejo, who is on the fucking poster, but this guy.  For the remainder of this post Mr. Trejo will be referred to as Dubstep Trejo in regards to his action scenes having absurd dubstep playing over them.  He has maybe three scenes at most in this film before he gets his head ripped off.  Two of those scenes have Dubstep Trejo shirtless and swinging a full sized wood axe to kill zombies.  That man is fucking rad and money well spent.  For real, I love Mr. Trejo in films.

There isn't much plot to describe from here on out: Hunter meets our tropes; Hunter and the tropes attempt to escape; people get picked off by either zombies, super zombies that look like a mix of the Tyrant from the Resident Evil 1 game and Nemesis from the Resident Evil 3 game, or the crazy giant guy with clown paint and a chainsaw (whoop whoop); nice girl and her 20-teen brother are the sole survivors.

The only one of my notes I haven't touched on here are just the words "stripper magic!"  I don't remember what this was referring to, but strippers are indeed magical...  Actually, I shouldn't say stripper.  As an acquaintance once referred to his occupation, they are "fantasy technicians."

On that educational note, I give Zombie Hunter two Danny Trejo tattoos out of five.
tattoo by Marco Lunez of Koi Tattoo, Brazil