Thursday, June 2, 2016

Day 1: Zombie Hunter (2013) 1h 33min

Sometimes people take two ideas, mash them together, and create magic.  Peanut butter cups are that kind of magic.  Zombie Hunter is not that kind of magic.  It's more like cereal and milk that have been sitting for a long time.  Two things could be great together, but you went and fucked it up!

One part Road Warrior, one part Planet Terror, and a dash of Machete.  A combo that would be awesome except it seems that director and editor seemed to had no real background with grindhouse style films.  Add the fact that your characters are tropes like horny teenage 20-something, burly redneck guy, girl next door, older father/grandpa type, and a girl named "Fast Lane" Debbie... well... you know where this is going.

Zombies exist because of a drug called "natas" (Satan backwards if you didn't notice that).  We find this out because of the polite stripper-looking news anchor on channel 44.    After a very long vomit scene with her co-anchor, which the news camera films all of in close-up, we're given this filler-ish backstory about things revolving around some drug users.  The only redeeming part of this scene is that they made a fake Blek Le Rat graffiti piece in the background.

From there we get introduced to our Australian actor, driving a souped up black sports car, and wearing a leather jacket.  Known only as "Hunter," this is our main character.  Not Danny Trejo, who is on the fucking poster, but this guy.  For the remainder of this post Mr. Trejo will be referred to as Dubstep Trejo in regards to his action scenes having absurd dubstep playing over them.  He has maybe three scenes at most in this film before he gets his head ripped off.  Two of those scenes have Dubstep Trejo shirtless and swinging a full sized wood axe to kill zombies.  That man is fucking rad and money well spent.  For real, I love Mr. Trejo in films.

There isn't much plot to describe from here on out: Hunter meets our tropes; Hunter and the tropes attempt to escape; people get picked off by either zombies, super zombies that look like a mix of the Tyrant from the Resident Evil 1 game and Nemesis from the Resident Evil 3 game, or the crazy giant guy with clown paint and a chainsaw (whoop whoop); nice girl and her 20-teen brother are the sole survivors.

The only one of my notes I haven't touched on here are just the words "stripper magic!"  I don't remember what this was referring to, but strippers are indeed magical...  Actually, I shouldn't say stripper.  As an acquaintance once referred to his occupation, they are "fantasy technicians."

On that educational note, I give Zombie Hunter two Danny Trejo tattoos out of five.
tattoo by Marco Lunez of Koi Tattoo, Brazil

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