Monday, June 13, 2016

Day 5: The Blood Lands (a.k.a. White Settlers) (2014) 1h 19m

You know what isn't a totally new idea?  Home invasion movies where the invaders wear animal masks!  Guess what this film has?

The Blood Lands (originally known as "White Settlers" for some reason I can't comprehend since these are white people going to white land) focuses on an English couple that moves into a home in the Scotland countryside.  I thought I recognized the actress from the British comedy Coupling, but it wasn't her.  Many sad faces should go here.  The guy's big credit was Tutor 4 in Billy Elliot the film.  I just heavy sighed while typing that.  It's a sigh of severe disappointment.

In the night, the couple is attacked by a bunch of men wearing some really good pig masks.  Where in the hell does one find such a well made pig mask in the middle of fuck all Scotland?!  Our invaders are Scottish nationalists (not so much the skinhead oi oi kind of nationalists, but more the hooligan national pride kind of nationalists... actually... they're almost the same).  Their goal isn't to kill our protagonists but rather scare them, drive them to a city in England, and leave them bound in a random park.  That's it.  The only actual kill comes from the woman smashing a guy's face with a 2x4.

About 20 minutes into this film I stopped caring.  It was slow, the main guy is an asshole, and the overall concept was something I've seen a million times.  The only change was the ending, which was anti-climactic.  Don't waste your time on this.  Either my fiancĂ© or I thought this was going to be good at some point and added it to our "to watch" list on Netflix.  I immediately took it off our list.  I took that bullet so he won't have to!  That's love.  That's real fuckin'  from the heart love...

I give The Blood Lands 0 rain boot wearing teacup pigs out of 5:

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