Wednesday, May 17, 2017
Fairlane Road (2016) 1h 32m
Johnny Depp's "Tonto" make up should never be copied... ever! Not because it's iconic or anything like that, but because it looks like shit and is probably offensive to Native peoples. With that image in your head, a woman definitely ends up with similar shit on her face toward the end of this film. So buckle the fuck up because we're taking a ride down Fairlane Road!
We start with a man going outside and falling to his knees while dragging his oxygen tank. He goes to screen but it ends up being a phone ringing noise that comes out instead. Jumping to our main character (of whom I didn't even bother to remember his name, and don't care enough to hit my IMDB bookmark to look up) we find out that he has a shitty mom that convinces him to go take care of his uncle (the man we saw at the beginning) for the weekend while his nurse is away. Fuck this phone mom with a rusty manhole cover, she sucks so hard. So our guy drives out to take care of his uncle who doesn't really want him there.
Eventually we found out that his uncle is less his uncle and more of his actual dad. Not only that, but he came home drunk, knocked down his then pregnant (and alive) wife, and on the way to the hospital ran over a Native girl and left her by the side of the road. Oh, also, because he was drunk and not paying attention that accident caused his wife to hit the windshield which lead to her death. The mother of the Native girl was coming back for revenge and after finding out that uncle-dad did have offspring, she causes Jack (the uncle-dad) to accidentally kill his son. We're then treated to the same intro sequence again only we get the scream instead of the phone ring.
Moral of the story: Don't be a scumbag drunk? Do a better job of keeping your kids away from the curses of Native people? Don't watch this film? Yeah, the last one. Fuckin' ignore this shit's existence.
I give Fairline Road 0 cacti that phone mom can jam in her can out of 5:
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