Tuesday, May 16, 2017

Navy Seals vs. Zombies AKA Navy Seals: The Battle for New Orleans (2015) 1h 37m

Did you know that the battle for New Orleans wouldn't take place in New Orleans?  It, in fact, takes place almost two hours away in Baton Rouge.  Nobody gives a shit about Baton Rouge though, but everybody fuckin' loves the idea of Mardi Gras so we'll say it's New Orleans.  I can see why this ends up becoming Navy Seals vs. Zombies later.  Not because it isn't in New Orleans, but more so because it's a shitty B-film which needs a shitty b-film title.

So NSvZ starts off with a Baton Rouge based press conference with the Vice President.  After a "...suspicious suspect at 9 o'clock" attacks a secret service agent and further zombies attack, the Seal team is called in.  We meet AJ and his wife here and his wife sucks. "Where are you going?  What are you doing?  When are you going to be back?"  Shut up!  He's a fucking Seal and he hasn't even had a briefing yet.  You literally just woke the fuck up to this!

The Seals go on, extract the VP, his chopper crashes in fantastically iffy CGI.  Mission fucking accomplished!  They're given a secondary target to extract CIA scientists that might have a cure.  You can imagine what happens there.  So after getting the scientists, loosing a few men, and AJ getting bit, the team convinces AJ to come with them because the scientists might be able to cure him.  Surprisingly AJ doesn't turn and is apparently immune due to the 7-Shots, which Google is not telling me what the fuck that is aside from a vaccine for dogs.  These mother fuckers are Seals, not dogs!  Unless they're seal-dog hybrids created by the military to shoot bees out of their mouths when they bark!!  First the "gay bomb," now this!  Seriously, the "gay bomb" was a real thing in development until I think the 70's or 80's... look it up.

This movie was kind of dumb.  Well, more than kind of, it's just dumb.  There wasn't anything original here.  It looks like it was shot on television film as opposed to movie film.  Some of the dialogue fails pretty hard.  Also, for being in the deep south, no one they encounter is rockin' a southern accent.  Not that the zombies should be stumbling around going "Y'aaaaaallllllll!  Brains y'allllllllll!" but if you're already fuckin' up the New Orleans part of your movie, at least keep the southern parts correct.

I give Navy Seals vs. Zombies 1 Confederate zombie costume out of 5:

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