Monday, June 5, 2017

Dead Silence (2007) 1h 29m

I swear that there is an 80's horror film that has this same poster.  At first I thought it was Silent Night Deadly Night 5 but that just looks like a terrible X-mas card you get from some relatives you forgot with their shit kid on it.  Then I thought it might have been Dolls but that's just a baby doll holding her own eyes.  The only thing I can narrow it down to is the Goosebumps book Night of the Living Dummy.  I also thought this was a remake of said imaginary 80's film that I fucking swear I remember seeing on the shelf in Phar-Mor's shitty video section!!  Why do you haunt my life?!

Dead Silence must've taken every single horror thing they could think of and whipped it at the wall.  Whatever stuck became the plot of this movie.  Buckle the fuck up because here we go: Jamie (the actor that plays Jason Stackhouse in True Blood, I'm not looking up his name again) gets a weird ventriloquist dummy in the mail from an unknown sender.

I'm stopping this already to say that if you get a fucking ventriloquist dummy in the mail and you didn't order that shit, burn the fuck out of it!  Burn it and then pee pee on the ashes!  If you did order the ventriloquist dummy then you are a terrible person and I should pee pee on you.

So this dummy shows up and murders Jamie's wife by having her jaw distended and tongue cut out.  We later find out that this is actually a common for people in the town.  Apparently there was a famous female ventriloquist that murdered a child and had he tongue cut out by the family and some other towns people.  Here spirit haunted her 101 (yes, fucking 101) dummies (which were all buried in coffins around her) and when one of the dolls showed up the ghost killed. OOOOOoooooooo spooky.  Oh, also, she only kills you if you scream.  You can do anything you want, but if you scream then you're dead.

There are a ton of times I wanted people to just burn something and be done with it.  Old house/performance hall that was her home: don't look around in it, burn that shit to the ground.  Dummy that probably killed your wife: torch it.  Random pond you have to cross to get to the house/hall: dump oil in it, burn it.  Light that shit up like Lake Erie in '69!  Dead Silence: eh... maybe wave a lighter under it and if it burns up then it burns up.  No big loss.

I give Dead Silence 1 piece of nightmare fuel out of 5:

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