Thursday, June 1, 2017

Hellions (2015) 1h 20m

Canada is a mysterious land.  Even though I have visited you many times I will never quite understand the mystical north.  This film has made you even more of a quandary as to what the everlasting fuck are you?!?

Hellions is a mess of a film with pink gels on all the lights.  It opens with the most romantic things teenagers can do which is blow smoke in each other's faces while the other person is talking.  The girl has to leave to go to the clinic where she finds out she's preggo.  Seventeen and up the duff from the town's local badass teen.  She returns home and turns down trick-or-treating with her mom and younger brother because teens are too cool for that shit.  Only smoking, baths, and pregnancy for this girl!

Since she stays home she hands candy out to the children that come.  They don't live in any kind of neighborhood so the fact that someone even walks into the middle of nowhere Canada for candy says a lot about the quality of their candy.  The kids end up being part of a weird harvest ritual where they want the baby.  This fetus grows at an alarming rate and the kids keep killing people.  The last half hour is basically an acid trip in pink.  It's film effects, cgi exploding pumpkin patches, repeated scenes of kids in weird masks... I can't even describe all of it aside from the fact she wakes up in the hospital and had the baby.  Dumb harvest baby.  Shit movie.  Fuckin' home of Nickleback.  CLOSE THE BORDERS!

I give Hellions 0 fart men out of 5:

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