Tuesday, June 13, 2017

Tank 432 (aka Belly of the Bulldog) (2015) 1h 28m

Everyone knows that one person that pulls the "Oh, look at how deep/crazy/etc" shit, but they push it rather than let it be natural.  You know, like the Hot Topic kids 10 - 15 years ago that were wearing t-shirts that said shit like "You laugh because I'm different, I laugh because you're all the same," or "I do what the voices tell me to."  I feel like Tank432 was written by one of those people that became an adult and still wanted to do that "Look at me!  Look at my art and how weird I can make it!"

A group of mercenaries have two hostages and are attempting to escape what seems like the woods behind someone's house.  We don't get an explanation of the hostages, the battle, or the mercenaries.  Instead we're dropped in balls deep in whatever this mess is.  The hostages look like Guantanamo Bay prisoners with orange jump suits and black hoods.  Once again, no explanation to their dress.  Oh, they also find some girl in a shipping crate that just screams.

The group eventually makes it to an old abandoned Bulldog tank in the middle of a field.  After the medic gives everyone a tranq to help them sleep they wake up to find out the door is jammed.  They have a few nightmare/dream scenes that are bad art school projects too.  While trapped in the tank they find some powder named "Kratos" (which is essentially Cheetos dust) and files on each of them.  Everyone's freaking out and then someone they left behind (due to a bad leg injury) shows up outside talking about crazy shit and dumping Kratos all over himself and in his nose.  They run him over with the tank because, why not?  Everyone ends up dead in the tank except for one guy but then a bunch of hazmat suit guys with flame throwers show up and torch the tank.

From there we hear a siren and a notice to clear the testing area because the next experiment is about to begin.  We then get a new soldier emerging from an underground shelter and looking real freaked out.

This movie tried so hard to be some sort of psychological thriller/horror deal but it was a bunch of "I don't give a fuck," with a twist ending that I couldn't be bothered with.  I get it.  You tried to be all "OOOOOOOO! Look at my movie ending!  Did you see that coming?!  How about that dream shit?  I'm so edgy!"  and to that I say *leans to the left and rips a loud fart*.

I give Tank 432 0 kawaii tanks out of 5:

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