Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Ouija Experiment 2: Theater of Death (a.k.a. The Ouija Resurrection) (2015) 1h 26m

Netflix is still busted and only showing 27 choices in the Horror category.  I might have found a way around it but soon it may involve pulling out a d4 to add to the shenanigans.  I feel like a white person in an infomercial just fumbling dice and remotes before making an over acted "well ain't that some shit" face.

Anyway, that leads us to today's film, The Ouija Experiment 2: Theater of Death, or The Ouija Resurrection, or The Ouija Resurrection Ouija Experiment 2: Electric Boogaloo.  That poster doesn't know what it wants to be and I don't blame it.  Actually, who the fuck is that child on the box and why is Courtney Love stalking her?!  None of that happened!

The scariest part of this movie, for me, was at the very beginning where they splice in super fast summaries of the first film in between the credits.  It was frightening because I realized that at some point I watched the first film and had wiped it from my memory!  Luckily, if you haven't seen the first one, you don't need to.  TOE2 is a meta film that takes place in a supposedly haunted theater where the people that made and acted in TOE1 are hosting a spooky night there.  I refuse to believe that fans of the first film could fill a theater as well.

I don't even want to go into the plot because it's all awful.  Just know that some weird inborn child-woman ghost comes back due to not saying "goodbye" on an Ouija board and almost everyone ends up dead except for a woman with an English accent and a girl that looks like Death from the Sandman comics.  The acting is shit and the writing isn't much better.  They have a gay character but he seems like he was written by someone who doesn't know a single gay person or their only experience is with some super camp queen that was set to 11 all the time.  I'm glad he gets killed by his trendy scarf... asshole.  You're wearing a t-shirt!  You don't need a scarf indoors!  I hope that ghost bit your dick off!

Actually, now I don't get why it was a ghost but then in the end of the movie it was a physical person chained to a wall.  In fact, by the last half of this movie they had obviously given up.  The camera just gets shaky, a woman holds a knife with her thumb wrapped tightly around the blade (don't worry, you can see it's spray painted cardboard), and despite having their throat cut a guy manages to crawl around and then survive?  Fuck this shit.  How do these assholes get to make two movies and I haven't even written one yet?

I give whatever the fuck this movie's real title is 0 Ouija boards out of 5:

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