Tuesday, July 11, 2017
Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge (a.k.a. Seed 2) (2014) 1h 18m
FUCCCCCKKKKK! It was too good to be true! Such a strong start to this Cut and suddenly I'm faced with Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge. I couldn't even find this film on IMDB until I did some research and found out that it's on there as Seed 2. Is there a Seed 1? I don't know. I don't give a fuck. Fuckin' baby's first horror movie here sucks hard enough for two!
BV:SR (which sounds much cooler in that format, like some anime with mechs) starts with the first huge ass credit being Uwe Boll! If you're not familiar with him, he produced a bunch of terrible movies based on video game IPs with almost no fucking knowledge of the content of the games. Blood Rayne, Alone in the Dark, Postal, House of the Dead, Far Cry... How did he make all of these? He exploits a German tax credit so that if the film didn't recoup he gets to write off the film! So he produced BV:SR. Apparently he also did produce Seed which I just saw while looking up his IMDB.
BV:SR takes place in the Nevada desert where a bachelorette party gets stranded on their way back from Las Vegas. They get attacked by rejects from The Hills Have Eyes and Taxes Chainsaw Massacre and it ends up the bride from the group betrayed them all from the start. That's it. Tons of fake blood, nudity, poor attempts at graphic shock, three uses of the same chest stab prosthetic, and every "violent" thing being a quick close-up shot of a wound following the initial action.
I wasn't kidding when I called this baby's first horror movie. There's no style to it and a lot of the directing makes amateur mistakes while trying to prevent you from noticing other glaring problems. It's also edited and put together out of sequence which makes it feel disjunct as opposed to thrilling or artistic. Apparently BV:SR had a $1.2 million budget. I don't know how unless they spent most of it on the RV because that shit was swank. Seriously, 98% of this film takes place in the middle of the desert in fuck all USA. I could've made this film with my cell phone, a couple of straws, two gallons of fake blood, and some pizzas to feed my friends while we fucked around in the desert. I've taken shits that are more shocking and terrifying than this film could even imagine!
I give Blood Valley: Seed's Revenge (a.k.a. Seed 2) 0 copies of Iron Maiden's Powerslave out of 5:
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