Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Haunt (2014) 1h 25m

Uuuuuuuuuuuugggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh!  There's nothing worse than seeing a film where it does a good job with its reveal, and then watching another film that has a similar reveal and it's just this fucking puddle of cold jizz you accidentally stepped in.  Dudes, you know you've done that on accident.  Ladies, if this has happened to you then on behalf of men, I apologize.  I am the spokesperson for all of manhood, after all...

Haunt follows a typical horror film premise.  A family moves into a house that is said to be haunted because most of the previous family died in mysterious ways.  The neighbor girl and the teen-ish boy of the family meet and start messing with an actually cool looking spirit radio receiver.  This brings about a gnarly looking female ghost that we mostly see in quick cuts.  Then the movie suddenly has the entire reveal of stuff at once and ends.

I left some stuff out but it's not important here.  I had resigned to possibly fall asleep during this film but suddenly it was all "Oh shit! I'm about to blow my story load" and literally ended in less than ten minutes.  The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth.  It wasn't because there wasn't a "happy ending," I've mentioned before that I root for the bad guy, but it was the longest hour and ten minutes just to get to this fucking nasty wad of story blown directly in your eyes.  Whatever.  I was let down by this.  If not for the cool spirit radio and ghost lady I would have probably typed out three paragraphs of fart jokes and a picture of my scrote done in ASCII art.

I give Haunt 1 issue of Image Comic's Haunt out of 5:

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