Monday, October 16, 2017
Jaws 3 (aka Jaws 3-D) (1983) 1h 39m
This has to be the worst partnering deal in the history of forever. Why the fuck would Sea World willingly let these people use their name for a movie about killer sharks? It could've been any made-up sea park and you'd be fine! Also, why the fuck is this park set up like it's goddamn Sealab 2021?! Who thought that was a brilliant idea?! "I want our park to have all the most expensive shit underwater... in case those commie bastards come! Those pinkos won't get my giant metal box with a useless reel-to-reel stuck on the outside! Those are my Johnny Paycheck albums on those reels!"
Jaws 3 is a hot mess of 80's in 3D! A great white shark gets into a Sea World park and kills some people. They capture it but then it dies while a bunch of people watch it sadly turn over like a goldfish from a carnival game. Later they figure out that our dead shark was the baby and the mother is somewhere in the park!! Momma Jaws then fucks some shit up before she gets blown up by a hand grenade.
I went into this thinking it was going to be trash. It actually wasn't as bad as I thought. There is a large amount of time spent on unnecessary character development and they attempt to have some plot more than just "Oh shit! Giant shark!" and I really didn't care. Will this male/female couple stay together while he studies whatever in Central America or wherever the fuck he's going? I don't care! Let the shark eat your fucking face!
The shark puppet was nowhere near as good as the original Jaws. This one was more foam-rubbery looking. Then we get the 3D elements... I didn't get to experience the full 3D immersion here but you can tell exactly when each moment is meant to be by the awkward floating object with the weird outline looking like a bad Photoshop. Some text, a severed arm, an underwater craft, Jaws slowly crashing into some glass, and then the exploding chunks of Jaws (including her literal jaws here), in 1983 it might have been cool. However, I've watched ever episode of those VH1 80's nostalgia shows at least 10 times a piece, and those people all said it looked like shit back then.
Jaws 3 did have two of my favorite things to ever happen in a horror film though. First, there's a scene where a half-eaten corpse floats up past a window and scares a bunch of visitors. Someone reacts to this moment by pressing a teenage girl up against the glass so she just has a few inches of glass between her screaming face and this dead body. I don't know why that happens but it's hilarious. The second thing is a t-shirt that a man is wearing. He's with the group trapped inside one of the Sealab tunnels and his shirt just says "Let a gargoyle sit on your face." I don't know what the fuck that means. I did a quick Google search and all I found were reproductions of that shirt for sale but not explanation. I don't think I want an explanation.
I give Jaws 3 1 blue squeaky shark out of 5:
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